A Good Man Is Hard To Find
by JPC
Summary: Willow and Xander drop in on Angel and Cordy and are in for quite a number of surprises.
1. Guys Gone Wild

Fred's world was falling apart. Charles was a killer. Angel and Cordy and Connor were locked in some unholy love triangle. The only decent person she knew was Wesley. He was level-headed, dependable, above the tawdriness. She went to his apartment to talk with him.

[Fred opens door, walks in. She catches Wes and Lilah in the act. Lilah's on top. She's wearing glasses and has her hair in pigtails. Fred puts her hand to her mouth, as if nauseous.]

FRED: Oh no. Welsey? With her! And since when did she wear glasses? And why's her hair like that?

LILAH: Wha hello ya'al. How's miss suga magnolia doin' today?

FRED: Oh God. Oh dear God. Wesley, you sick bastard! [runs out]

WES: [gets out of bed] Fred wait. Please, I can explain.

LILAH: [gets dressed] I'd like to hear that explanation. And I don't think running naked after her will help convince Fred that you're not some twisted deviant pervert.

WES: This is what you wanted all along, isn't it?

LILAH: Now she knows what kind of a man you REALLY are. [puts shoes on] By the way, I'm going to kill Gavin but I'm not sure how. Should I feed him to the Beast, or wait for Angel to lose his soul and snack off him?

WES: Angel is not losing his soul.

LILAH: Don't be so naive. You know it's not a question of IF Angelus will reappear. It's only a question of WHEN. [Lilah walks out]

[Back at hotel. An outraged Fred has told Gunn, Angel and Cordy. Cordy's in the bathroom throwing up.]

FRED: I think Cordelia took the news hardest of all.

CORDY: [comes out of bathroom] Wes and Lilah, that's gross, but entirely unrelated. I've been sick and throwing up the past few mornings. I think I'm coming down with something. [Wes enters. Gets very cold stares from everybody.]

WES: Before you tear into me, try to consider this from my position.

CORDY: I'd really rather not.

WES: I had been abandoned by my friends when I was at death's door. Told that the people I care about no longer wanted me around. I was alone. I was depressed. And then she shows up. Can any of you blame me?

FRED: And exactly where does dressing her up like me fit into this scenario where we're supposed to feel sorry for you?

WES: I did no such thing.

ANGEL: So Lilah's changed her look? Hard to picture her at work in pigtails.

WES: That was her idea. I didn't even enjoy her little games.

FRED: You seemed pretty happy to me.

WES: So it's not the sleeping with the enemy aspect that has you all in a tizzy. Just my toleration of Lilah's sick sense of humor.

GUNN: Naw, for me it's both. Sure, the dress-up makes me want to punch your lights out. But knockin' boots with evil

WES: You're impressed. [everyone looks outraged] All of you. Admit it. Good and evil aside, you thought she was out of my league.

CORDY: Okay, sure, perhaps. But that doesn't mean it's something you should be proud of.

ANGEL: After all, she only went for you because she couldn't have me. Not like she's the only one who's done that sort of thing lately. [Cordy slaps Angel]

CORDY: That's low.

ANGEL: Sleeping with my son, THAT's low. Never knew robbing the cradle could be taken literally.

CORDY: This from a man whose last girlfriend was 16.

ANGEL: How dare you.

FRED: How dare she? Angel, you're a dirty old man!

ANGEL: Old, by one definition, yes. Dirty, absolutely not.

GUNN: Damn dawg. Never knew you freaked it like R Kelly.

ANGEL: Can I get a translator over here? What did he just say about me?

WES: You don't want to know. And Cordelia, you know better than to misrepresent the past like that. You know it's both unfair and wrong to use Angel's ex to impune his character.

ANGEL: Thank you, Wesley.

FRED: A character reference from Wesley. That carries a lot of weight! This is just what I'm talking about. You're all depraved deviant perverts.

GUNN: Hold on. You know I ain't no depraved deviant.

FRED: True. You just take a human life like it ain't no big thing. You're the last guy I thought capable of committing cold-blooded murder. If I wanted to whack my prof, I woulda called Connor. [Connor appears right in front of her] Connor! Where did you come from? And when did you start wearing leather pants? [Angel looks at Connor. He's wondering the same thing.]

CONNOR: Someone has to wear the pants in this family, and you have to admit it, dad, it's so much easier when I do things for you. By the way, now that I'm man of the house, if there's ANYTHING I can do for you, dad. Any responsibilities I can perform. Anything I'm not already doing. [Cordy punches Connor in the face.]

CONNOR: Always do like training with you. But are you comfortable doing this in front of the others? [Cordy hits Connor in his nose. It starts bleeding] Didn't know you were into the rough stuff. By hey, I'll give it a try.

CORDY: When did you become such a jerk? You used to be so sweet and kind, but ever since . . . ever since we . . . Oh no. I don't believe this. It runs in your family! How is that even possible?

WES: He's not cursed. He's 18. You thought sleeping with a teenage boy would make him LESS obsessed about sex?

CONNOR: I'll go where I'm wanted. [pulls out business card] Met this woman the other day. Told me her name was Mrs. Morgan. Gave me her cell and pager numbers. Said I could ring her up whenever I wanted. Maybe I'll go do that. [Connor exits]

WES: [looks wounded] Lilah. I don't believe it.

ANGEL: Come on Wesley. Don't tell me you didn't see this coming.

WES: Least I had her before he did. Which is more than I can say in your case.

FRED: Aaaiiiigghhhhh!!! You selfish, immature, disgusting swine. I've had it with you men! [she walks out. In the courtyard she bumps into a red-haired stranger.]

WILLOW: Sorry. Didn't see you there.

FRED: No. It's my fault. Are you a prospective client?

WILLOW: No. I went to high school with Cordelia. I was in town and came by to say hi, and to see if Angel had any insight on our present Big Evil, since it kinda had it in for him before he came to LA. Are they in?

FRED: Yeah. But things are kinda crazy.

WILLOW: Yeah well, things are always crazy where I come from.

FRED: Angel's in love with Cordy, but she slept with Angel's son.

WILLOW: [jaw drops] They're never that crazy. And that's saying A LOT. I guess I should have called first. Or at least called once in the last year. Guess there's a lot I need to catch up on.

FRED: This is when I have that meal in between brunch and lunch. I know a nice diner round the corner. Care ta join me? I could get ya all caught up.

WILLOW: Sounds nice. I'm Willow by the way.

FRED: I'm Fred, short for Winifred.

WILLOW: So Fred, you work for Angel?

FRED: Yeah. Though right now ahm none too happy with things round the office. The men jus' keep doin' the most disgusting, vile things. Right now I just wish I could do without em. You know what I mean?

WILLOW: [smiles] Do I ever. [they walk off to the diner]


	2. Girls Gone Awol

[Willow and Fred, eating lunch at the diner.]

WILLOW: Now Fred, given my own personal history, I'm in no position to criticize Charles for killing a man who did unspeakably horrible things to the woman he loves. Still, it was your fight. He should have respected that.

FRED: I wish Charles had been more like that Xander guy you mentioned. The one who talked you down from the existential ledge, so to speak. He sounds sweet and decent and down-to-earth. Not like the men I know.

WILLOW: He's far from perfect. But he does have his moments.

FRED: Maybe instead of killing Warren, you could have just sent him to an Amazon Dimension, where he'd spend an eternity getting pummelled and tortured by women.

WILLOW: [eyes light up] There's an Amazon Dimension! Which can be accessed from this dimension? Cause that would sure be a fun place to visit.

FRED: I just made that one up. Sounds like you already live in an amazon dimension, with all those female warriors shacking up at your house.

WILLOW: That's true. Kennedy would like that analogy.

FRED: No offense, but I'm still a bit freaked to be sitting across from someone who nearly destroyed the planet.

WILLOW: Wait. You work for Angel. Last time he was evil he tried to suck the world into Hell.

FRED: He did what! I mean, I knew he he had been evil. But I thought he was Ted Bundy evil. Sucking the world into Hell, that's Adolf Hitler evil. When did this almost happen?

WILLOW: Four-and-half years ago.

FRED: Oh. So I wouldn't have gone to Hell. I would have just remained stuck in Pylea from the rest of my life. What a awful thought.

WILLOW: Buffy spent one day enslaved in a demon dimension, and she just went on and on about how horrible and traumatizing it was. And she's the Slayer, so she's really tough. I can't imagine how strong you must be to survive five years of that.

[Angel, Wes and Gunn at the Hyperion. Trying to focus on work and take their minds off their personal problems.]

ANGEL: Wesley, you said the signs and the portents indicated that it would rain frogs tonight. So why was I pelted with them last night?

WES: Forecasting the stages of an apocalypse is not an exact science. It's not even really a science. But at least I had it pinned down in the right week, which is more than I can say for any of the psychics at Wolfram & Hart. You two should look on the bright side. At least your autos were garaged. Mine was outside when it started raining amphibians. A small creature traveling at terminal velocity can do an awful lot of damage. Cordelia was right when she said I should have seen "Magnolia." I didn't expect them to splatter like that.

ANGEL: Ruined a perfectly good Armani coat.

GUNN: That reminds me. Where do you get the benjamins to buy designer threads? I know our little detective agency ain't making that kind of money.

WES: My theory's always been that one of The Powers That Be acts as Angel's sugar daddy.

ANGEL: This from a man who pays his rent with the money Lilah leaves on his nightstand after she puts her clothes back on.

[Wesley glares at Angel. He's deeply offended by the gigolo insinuation. But before he can respond, Cordy runs in.]

CORDY: You're not gonna believe what I just saw!

ANGEL: The Beast?

GUNN: In the daytime?

WES: Where?

CORDY: I was having these cravings and I went out for something to eat. I pass that diner, look in the window, and I see Fred. With Willow!

ANGEL: Excuse me? What is she doing here?

GUNN: Who's Willow?

WES: And what precisely is she doing with Fred?

CORDY: From the looks of it, they were pretty friendly.

WES: How friendly? [raises eyebrows. mischievous half-smile.]

CORDY: Ewww! Wes, that's sick.

GUNN: Who's Willow? I'm missin' somethin' here.

CORDY: We went to high school together. She's a lesbian witch.

GUNN: [chuckles] So you think this Willow's tying to put the moves on Fred. Talk about barkin' up the wrong tree.

CORDY: I know. It's ridiculous. The two of them have absolutely nothing in common. Fred's this smart, shy young woman who's gradually gotten a lot more confident and self-assured, who used black magic to wreak vengeance upon a man who hurt her, who just said she'd had it with men before leaving here. Oh God. She's turning into Willow!

ANGEL: I'm sorry but I don't see the similarity. And when did Willow try to kill a man?

CORDY: When you were under water and I was off in the ether. I was omniscient, remember. She flayed a man alive. It's always the quiet ones you gotta watch out for.

ANGEL: Took off all his skin? While he was still alive? That's really impressive. [smiles, then a moment later looks worried.] And frightening. Deeply, deeply frightening.

CORDY: Nothing you haven't done.

ANGEL: Never completely, while they were still living. Oh, wait, you said she used magic. That's cheating. Where's the hands-on craftsmanship?

GUNN: As disturbing as this little conversation you two are having is, can we get back on topic. What is this woman doin' with Fred.

WES: At least we know Fred has good taste in women. [Gunn slugs him.] That's not fair. You haven't even met Willow.

ANGEL: Why is everyone hitting each other today? Can we stop acting like little children?

GUNN: Least I ain't the one datin' little children. [Angel thinks about punching Gunn. Gunn moves back and smiles. He proved his point. Now even Angel wants to resort to violence.]

WES: Relax Angel. I think he was talking about Cordelia. [Now Angel and Cordy are both mad at Wesley.]

GUNN: Before anyone here reaches for the weapons, I'm splitting. Gonna catch up with Fred, sort this whole mess out.

WES: And I think I'll join him. [He doesn't want to be left alone with Angel and Cordy.] It should be fun see those two ladies together.

Angel: [to Cordy] So . . . just the two of us.

CORDY: Yep . . . Guess so. [both are very nervous. don't make eye contact.]

ANGEL: Why is Willow here? Should we call someone, see what's up? Actually, it's been a long while since we even talked to anyone in Sunnydale. Almost like they're in a different dimension. Why is that?

CORDY: They changed the area codes and none of us has bothered to check and see what their new code is.

ANGEL: Right. I knew there was a good reason. [long silence. more avoiding eye contact.] Fred's doesn't hate men. She's disgusted with all of us. Including you. Not you in particular. I'm just saying, it's clearly not a gender thing. She just feels all of us have let her down. We've let each other down.

CORDY: Angel, is this where you give me the "How Could You Do This To Me" speech? Cause if it is, save your breath. Oh wait, I forgot. You don't breathe.

ANGEL: Cordy, we need to talk. Not about Connor. About us. I know you love me. I also know that in my life, love's not enough. It doesn't necessariy mean you want to be with me. But it's more than love. At least for me, it is. I need you Cordy. In case you haven't noticed, whenever we're apart, horrible things tend to happen. The question is, do you need me?


	3. Has Fred switched sides?

ANGEL: Cordy, we need to talk. Not about Connor. About us. I know you love me. I also know that in my life, love's not enough. It doesn't necessarily mean you want to be with me. But it's more than love. At least for me, it is. I need you Cordy. In case you haven't noticed, whenever we're apart, horrible things tend to happen. The question is, do you need me?"

CORDY: There's only one answer to that question you want to hear, and right now, I'm sorry but -

ANGEL: Does that mean your answer is no?

CORDY: It means I'm not going to be in a relationship run by ultimatum. I've made a lot of snap decisions recently. Many of which I regret. Go on a vacation to Mexico? Sure, sounds fun. Become a Higher Being and ascend to the astral plane? Hey, why not? Go live with Connor? Well, you get the idea.

ANGEL: It's good that you want to think things through. That's something I had a lot of time for last summer. And one thing I realized is that I don't want to live without you.

CORDY: I know. That's my problem. [Angel looks absolutely bewildered.]

[Gunn and Wes enter the diner.]

GUNN: Fred, we need to talk.

WILLOW: Check out the Y-chromosomes. You must be Charles. Tall, dark and handsome indeed. [Gunn smiles] Wait, is that you, Wesley? My God, who removed the iron ramrod from your ass?

WES: Looks like both of us have changed considerably over the last few years.

WILLOW: Touche. Still, it was hard to believe Fred's stories about raffish Wesley when the picture in my mind was of Watcher Wesley.

WES: I like to think I've matured.

WILLOW: Fred makes it sound like you've matured and regressed simultaneously. Guess those of us who squander our teenage years on book learning are doomed to go wild and make up for lost time.

GUNN: Sounds like you got Wes all figured out.

FRED: It does. Wes was so uptight and responsible and stressed-out and that when he snapped he just went hog wild.

WES: I didn't come here to get psychoanalyzed.

WILLOW: No, my guess is you came here to watch some hot girl-on-girl action. You can't always get what you want.

GUNN: Damn bro. This girl's got your number.

FRED: [gets up, walks to the door] Come on Willow. Let's go. [Willow follows.]

GUNN: I thought we were gonna talk.

FRED: We'll do that later. Right now ahm goin' back to my place with Willow. We're gonna do a spell together. [They leave]

WES: [to Gunn] Well Charles, don't say I didn't warn you. [Gunn looks confused]

[Back at Hyperion]

ANGEL: How is the fact that I want you in my life a problem?!

CORDY: Please Angel, let me explain. [Gunn and Wes enter]

GUNN: You ain't makin' the least bit of sense.

WES: I know what I'm talking about. When two women do a spell together, there's . . . subtext. Invariably, it gets all sexy.

CORDY: Maybe in your own dirty mind it does.

GUNN: See, Cordy knows what's up with you. You're just twistin' everything to fit your own sick fantasy.

WES: Then tell me why Willow is doing a spell with Fred. Fred's not a trained witch. So it can't be business. Therefore it must be pleasure.

CORDY: She could be cursing you. Guess that would qualify as both business and pleasure.

GUNN: Makes sense to me. She was the first to want you back. She was the one who never lost faith in you. She thought you were decent. Seein' the ugly truth for herself musta been disappointin'.

ANGEL: She was extremely grossed out by your nooner, what with Lilah playing dress-up and all. Wonder what curse Willow suggested. Probably something involving the part of your anatomy which got you in trouble to begin with.

WES: Fred would never do that to me. And Willow – she was practically flirting with me when I saw her.

CORDY: Wow Wesley – you really do see only what you want to see.

WES: It's just as likely she's cursing Gunn, if not more likely. After all, he was the one she loved.

GUNN: Wudaya mean WAS? And Willow wasn't flirtin' with you. Naw, she was flirtin' with me, all that tall, dark and handsome sweet talk.

CORDY: Okay then. It would appear both of you are forgetting that whole thing about Willow being a lesbian. And Wesley, first you say Willow's hot for Fred. Then you say Willow's hot for you. It seems you're just bouncing from one delusion to the next. And your delusions are entirely incompatible, in case you haven't noticed. I'm sorry to ask this, but does sex make you stupid? Cause back when you weren't getting any, you were sharp as a tack.

WES: Please Cordelia. You're the last person who be should criticizing the wisdom and propriety of anyone else's sex life. Having said that, I think I'll leave before Angel challenges me to a duel on account of my attack upon his "lady's" honor. Whether we fought with pistols or foils, I'd be at a distinct disadvantage. [Wes leaves.]

GUNN: I think I'm gonna go do some work for our paying clients. Someone has to pay the bills around here. [Gunn leaves.]

ANGEL: [looks at Cordy] I believe there was something you were going to tell me?


	4. What Cordy wants with Angel

[Wes wants to make sure Fred is not cursing him. So he goes to her apartment, opening the door, which is, like his door was that morning, unlocked. Fred turns to see who it is.]

FRED: What are you doing here?

WILLOW: Dammit! Wesley, you idiot! You ruined the spell.

WES: Then I guess I arrived just in time.

FRED: What are you talking about? I thought you'd like what we were doing.

WES: [smiles. thinks maybe Willow and Fred WERE doing something sexy.]

WILLOW: You could have even watched the big climax. Then you would have learned something.

WES: [quite fluxomed] So, so, well, er, what sort of spell were you two ladies doing?

WILLOW: A locator spell. To discover where your Beast hides out during the day.

WES: Oh really. So it WAS business. But how? A locator spell in Los Angeles would detect such a profusion of demons as to completely moot its ability to uncover a single demon.

WILLOW: A normal locator spell, sure. But I assume this guy's giving off an extraordinarily powerful signal. So I tweaked the spell to filter out all the common demons and only find the big fish.

FRED: Did you think I was fooling around with Willow? You know, experimenting? Wesley, we live in a soap opera, not a porno.

WES: I thought we lived in a soap opera which became a porno.

FRED: No. Only your life's become a porno. The rest of us still live in a soap opera.

WES: Ah yes. That would explain an awful lot. Well then. Best of luck with your magics. [walks to door. looks at Willow. motions for her to come over to him. she does. Wes talks to her in a whisper.] Does this mean you aren't even attracted to Fred? How can you not find her the least bit fetching?

WILLOW: Fred's pretty. But she's not my type. I'm a breast girl.

WES: [pauses to take in this information] That was more than I needed to know. And at the same time not enough.

WILLOW: Wes, if you're one of those guys who, when he thinks about two women doing a spell together, does a little spell of his own, please take it somewhere else.

WES: Now that's just rude and dodgy on so many levels. There's a fine line between being witty and being catty.

WILLOW: And there's also a fine line between being a rake and being a pervert.

WES: I like to think that if I were either of those things, you'd find me repulsive. And yet you don't appear to be repelled by me in the least. Farewell. I have my business to attend to. Good luck with yours. [Wes leaves. Willow goes back to do the spell with Fred.]

WILLOW: Too bad he wasn't like that when he was a Watcher. Faith might actually have respected him.

[at the Hyperion]

CORDY: Angel, ever since you started loving me, I've brought you nothing but pain.

ANGEL: Cordy, that's ridiculous.

CORDY: Is it? Think of everything that's happened to you since that night at the ballet. I don't know why it's been that way. I love you, and the last thing I want is to make you suffer. But that always seems to be what I do.

ANGEL: I don't want your pity. I don't want you feeling sorry for me. And I don't want you apologizing. I just want you to know what you want. Don't tell me anything else. Just tell me that.

CORDY: [pauses for a few seconds] When I was up there, looking down, and I saw you all alone, in the water, I didn't care about my future, or who I could help, or serving the Greater Good. All I wanted was to be down there. Sinking to the bottom, with you. What good were all my powers if I couldn't use them to help you? If I couldn't use them to be with you.

ANGEL: But that's behind us. You're here with me now. That's all that matters.


	5. Wolfram & Hart v Grrh, Argh Inc

[Fred's apartment]

FRED: Is the spell workin'?

WILLOW: Oh yeah. Where is that place on the map that's lit up?

FRED: Ah think that's Westwood.

WILLOW: I'm getting it focused on the exact spot. Can you read the street location?

FRED: Lemmee look. [the light disappears] What happened?

WILLOW: I don't know. I don't know what could have gone wrong.

[Lilah enters]

LILAH: Thanks for the tip, Rosenberg.

FRED: I knew I shoulda locked the door.

WILLOW: What did you do to me?

LILAH: Nothing. Not yet, anyway. I just tapped into your spell and sucked out all the good stuff on my PDA. It's amazing what you can do with these little things. Once used it to kill a man.

FRED: How dare you come into my house like this, Lilah.

LILAH: Not like I have to be invited.

WILLOW: This is Lilah? Well, well. How bout that! Wesley's done quite well for himself.

LILAH: Apparently so has Fred. Or are you just sticking to the PG-rated spells with her, Willow?

WILLOW: How the hell do you know my name?

LILAH: Don't be so shocked. It's not like you've been keeping a low profile these past couple years. That whole Brunhilda, Twilight of the Gods thing you did last May, hard to miss. And today our witches sensed your presence in our neck of the woods. They're actually jealous of you. Thought you came to take their jobs. After all, you're as powerful as any three of them put together. And your little locator spell was perfect for letting them locate you. Once again, the firm thanks you for volunteering your assistance. This information should prove helpful. Fred, if your boss wants me to share, he knows where to find me. I'm sure a suitable trade can be worked out.

FRED: He'll never sleep with you.

LILAH: Call me old-fashioned, but I prefer my men above room temperature. I was talking about other services. Labors he could perform for the firm. Come to think of it, if Willow here lent us her powers for two days, I'd be willing to share. How bout it red? Do your new friend and her colleagues a favor?

WILLOW: Bite me, spell-stealing whore.

LILAH: I bet you'd like me to do that to you. Sorry. Not my thing. [sarcastic smirk. Lilah pulls out a folder.] There is something you can do for me, Rosenberg. Deliver these to your enemy. We're suing them. Wolfram & Hart owns the trademarks to the phrases The First Evil™ and The First™. Your enemy, who legally should be referred to as the FE, is in clear violation of our intellectual property rights. Their unauthorized uses of these phrases is damaging to our firm's reputation, and to the market value of the aforementioned trademarks.

FRED: Wolfram & Hart's the First Evil! Big surprise there.

LILAH: No. We just own the trademarks.

WILLOW: Is this some kind of joke?

LILAH: I don't joke about business.

WILLOW: [looks confused] Just out of curiosity, you don't happen to also own "From beneath you, it devours," do you?

LILAH: We do, but the FE purchased the rights to use it for an unspecified royalty payment in the low eight figures.

WILLOW: How exactly do you sue an evil entity that doesn't take physical form?

LILAH: The FE is run by a non-profit corporation registered in the State of California under the name GRRR, ARGH. They possess an endowment valued at approximately $100 million. We hope to get a lien on some of this money until they cease and desist with their unauthorized exploitation of our trademarks. And if and when you and your pals defeat them, we hope to plunder and liquidate their assets for our own enrichment. So thank you in advance for taking out our competition. Anyway, GRRR, ARGH has a storefront in a strip mall in your town. The address in in the envelope. Inside there's just a receptionist. She's human, she doesn't know anything, and if you kill her you will be arrested and sent to prison. She can, however, fax these documents to the corporation's head council, and then we can get down to business and talk about a settlement.

WILLOW: You actually expect me to believe this nonsense?

LILAH: Willow, think for a second. You're doing a demon locator spell with a woman who's been enslaved in a demon dimension, for god's sakes. And your old high school friend had sex with a child of vampires who was born 13 months ago. Not to mention all the crazy stuff you must have seen in your little town. All that stuff you accept. But what I've tell you, somehow THAT is too ridiculous for you to believe.

WILLOW: That's actually a very good point.

LILAH: Thank you. After all, you do live on a nexus, a nodal concentration of mystical doo-dads or whatever.

WILLOW: You mean the Hellmouth.

LILAH: Yes, the Hellmouth. [rolls her eyes] A little overdramatic don't you think? Like you're the only town with vampires and demons. When was the last time it rained fire in Sunnyvale?

WILLOW: It's Sunnydale.

LILAH: Whatever. I should tell you that Wolfram & Hart possesses a file on the FE which is thousands of pages in length. Details everything - their bases, their operatives, tactics, strategies, which hell beasts they can raise, and how to kill them. What you might call a comprehensive battle plan. If you can help us, we'd be more than willing to help you. But I'm sure you already know EVERYTHING about the FE, don't you?

WILLOW: We don't need your help. [Willow's a bad liar. Lilah can tell] How can you expect us to help you? You're evil!

LILAH: Small-town folk are charming. Everything's so simple to your kind. But I thought a smart girl like yourself would know by now that the world's more complicated than that. [walks to door, then turns around] I'm sure it was a pleasure for you to meet me, Willow. [arches eyebrows] Best of luck with vanquishing GRRR, ARGH Incorporated. And if you want my help, my card's in the envelope. [Lilah leaves]

FRED: What a bitch.

WILLOW: It's nice to meet a smart female villain. The evil chicks we fight are always such airheads. And she's got this whole Barbara Stanwyck, raven-haired vixen thing going on.

FRED: I don't believe this!

WILLOW: Don't worry. I know she's evil. But if she were truly a threat, how come she returns year, after year, after year, after year, and causes you guys no lasting harm?


	6. Is Connor a Playa?

[Willow and Fred return to the Hyperion. They want to tell Angel about their locator spell. When they enter, they find the lobby is empty.]

WILLOW: These are some sweet digs. Who'd Angel have to kill to land this pad?

FRED: I didn't wanna ask.

WILLOW: It's like the world's coolest clubhouse. How big is this place?

[They walk into Angel's office. It's empty.]

FRED: If he ain't here, he's probably in his room brooding. I think he'll want to hear your news.

[They go down the hall and open Angel's door. Cordy and Angel are on the bed, naked. Willow gasps. This is a surprise for all sorts of reasons.]

FRED: This is the second time today. I really should learn to knock before entering. [she runs away. She's seen too many naked friends for one day. For one lifetime, actually.]

CORDY: What are you doing in here?

WILLOW: I should ask you the same question.

ANGEL: [looking stunned and sheepish.] Hi Willow.

WILLOW: Hi Angel. Are all souls present and accounted for?

ANGEL: I didn't. I mean, whoa. That never crossed my mind. We were so caught up in the moment.

CORDY: I forgot about that completely. I was just - wait, why are there three people in this conversation? [she realizes she not completely covered.] Willow! do you mind? Turn your prying eyes away from my body.

WILLOW: Please Cordelia. Don't flatter yourself. Gotta admit, never thought the high school reunion would go like this. Course, you fathering a child might mean the Curse doesn't apply. I coulda muffed the spell. Though I don't see how I could have screwed it up so much that I made you fertile.

ANGEL: You mean for the last four years I haven't been cursed?

WILLOW: I didn't say that. I don't know. There's really only one way to find out. And in my opinion that's not an experiment worth running. Cause if we're wrong, and the Curse still holds - well, you've seen that movie before.

ANGEL: I need a cold shower.

WILLOW: I thought vampires didn't have body heat? Or do only parts of you get hot? Ewww. Don't answer that. Leaving now. And to think I worried that seeing you again would be awkward. [leaves room. closes door.]

FRED: Is he still . . . ?

WILLOW: Imperfectly happy? Apparently.

FRED: I'm sorry you had to see that. I'm sorry I had to see that. Things are beyond insane around here. I mean, how irresponsible could Cordy be?

WILLOW: I'm going to try to erase that image from my mind. I'll just use a forgetting spell. Wait, those tend to go horribly awry. There has to be something to take out just one memory. A spell which doesn't have serious side effects. What am I gonna tell Buffy? "How was Angel?" Naked! "What was he doing?" Cordelia! They could have at least had the common decency to turn the lights off.

FRED: Decency flew this coop a long time ago. [Connor enters] And look who just flew in.

CONNOR: Who's this?

WILLOW: I'm Willow. I knew Cordy back in Sunnydale. Are you Connor?

CONNOR: That's one of my names. But you can call me anything you want. You're hair - I've never seen a girl with hair that color. It's fiery, and dazzling, like the sky back where I grew up. I could tell you about where I grew up. Then we could dust a vampire or two and head back to my place. Whadya say, cutie?

WILLOW: Kiddo, you are so barking up the wrong tree it's not even funny. Actually, it is funny. But only in a very disturbing way.

FRED: [sarcastically] So Connor, how was Lilah?

CONNOR: She didn't suck. Actually, she did. That was the fun part. [Fred looks nauseous. Willow winces.]

WILLOW: So young, so innocent looking, so horribly debauched. You've created a monster. But he is a pretty monster. I'll give him that.

CONNOR: Does that mean you're interested, Willow? [smiles hopefully]

WILLOW: Sorry kid. Not gonna happen. Don't make me have to explain why. Just accept it, move on.

CONNOR: Your loss. [Willow's shocked by the kid's arrogance] One thing I didn't like was when Lilah wanted to tie me up. I told her it's wasn't very fun when Fred did that to me.

WILLOW: Why Winifred! I never thought . . .

FRED: I only did it because he had been a very naughty boy.

WILLOW: Oh I bet he had. Did you enjoy punishing him?

CONNOR: She sure did.

FRED: It wasn't like that! Willow, that's sick! I found out what he did to Angel, and I had to restrain him so he wouldn't hurt anyone else. There sure as heck wasn't anything kinky about it.

CONNOR: Don't tell me you didn't get off on it. It was all a game to you. You came into my room, smiling, bringing me food. You flirted with me, ran you hand seductively along my shoulder, said some things to me about how horrible my life was. Same things Cordy said. Then you took control, stuck me with a cattle prod again and again until Gunn made you stop.

WILLOW: Is he telling the truth?

FRED: Well, uh, technically, for the most part, yes. But he's totally distorting things and taking stuff completely out of context. It was nothing like that. I'm not the one here who likes hurting hurting people.

CONNOR: Maybe you don't like hurting people. But you sure liked hurting me.

WILLOW: Changing the subject to something slightly less revolting, when did you see Lilah? Cause she stopped by Fred's apartment a little while back.

CONNOR: Didn't know you two were friends.

WILLOW: She wasn't there to see Fred. She was there to see me. But I rejected her evil come-ons. I'm not on that team. The evil team, I mean.

CONNOR: So that's where she went. We did some stuff, she said she had something to do, then she came back and we did some more stuff.

FRED: Yuck. That means, when we saw her, she had just finished . . .

WILLOW: And was about to start . . . We were the intermission. Yikes. That is disgusting.

[Angel comes out of shower. Gets dressed. Cordy's already dressed.]

ANGEL: When did our lives become this crazy, demented ride we had absolutely no control over?

CORDY: Is that your way of saying you regret what we just did? I mean, what we almost did?

ANGEL: No. Even considering the risks. There's more than one way to lose your soul. I've become filled with so much darkness. Losing Connor. That summer of sub-aquatic sensory deprivation. Losing you. Getting you back. Losing you again. And then, seeing you - and him . . . The pain, the frustration - it eats away at my soul. Fills me with horrible thoughts about hurting people, about giving up, no longer trying. I thought being with you would make some of the darkness go away, make me forget about the things I've seen which haunt me. And it did. But only for a little while.

CORDY: I'm so sorry. What I did was really, really, really stupid. Phenomenally stupid. In so many ways.

ANGEL: I know the speech. You only did it cause you thought the world was going to end, it was your last night on earth . . . blah blah blah. But if you thought that was your last night on earth, why didn't you want to spend it with me? [Cordy has no answer for that one. She leaves the room.]

[back in the lobby]

WILLOW: A little friendly advice, Connor. You're doing what is called coming on too strong. It's a turn-off. Drives the girls away.

CONNOR: Like how when I tried to kiss Cordy when she was undressing she turned me down. But then a few nights later when I let her make the first move, it worked. Cause I wasn't making her uncomfortable. And I was, what's that word for being sensitive and easily breakable?

FRED: Fragile?

CONNOR: No. That's not it.

WILLOW: Vulnerable?

CONNOR: Yeah. That's the one. Being vulnerable. That's what works. Am I right?

WILLOW: Yes, actually you are. Although you shouldn't want to be one of those jerks who fakes vulnerability to score with the ladies and then abandons them and leaves them feeling hollow inside.

CONNOR: You mean pretend to be something I'm not? I can't do that. I wouldn't know how. And it would be wrong. Like my father - I mean - like Holtz said to me - "Most of all to thine own self be true."

WILLOW: That would have been back in your old home. What was that place called?

CONNOR: Quor toth.

WILLOW: Right. I knew it sounded familiar. One time, when I was in a really bad place in my life, I went on a mystical bender and made contact with that dimension. Interfaced with its essence, actually. I could tell it was a horrible dimension. And to think that you spent spent your childhood there, in that hard, evil place. I almost want to hug you and comfort you and make you feel better. Except I know that if I did you'd try to cop a feel. But I can see how the little boy lost schtick works for you. [Cordy enters] Is this how it started, Cordy? You wanna make the boy feel better, and before you know it he's feelin' a whole lot better than you initially planned on?

CORDY: I don't make jokes about your personal life. Well, not recently, anyway. I mean, grow up already.

CONNOR: Does growing up mean using people and throwing them away when you're done with them?

CORDY: Excuse me?

CONNOR: I thought we had something special. What we did, it meant something important to me. Willow, Fred - help me out here. Is this the way it always is? Sleep with a girl, and she goes evil? [Willow's jaw drops to the floor. Connor's talking like Buffy.]

CORDY: What the hell are you talking about?

CONNOR: I'm talking about us. About how there isn't an us. About how once upon a time you were nice to me, and cared about me, and wanted to be a part of my life. Then you had me, and the next morning you're all cold and distant. You don't even want to cuddle. Won't even let me touch you. All you want to do is get dressed, leave, and never come back. You can't just make somebody love you and then walk away once you've had your fun. It's not right.

CORDY: I said I was going to give you something special that night, and I did. You know I never said I wanted a relationship. You knew what was going on. And what's with the sensitive guy act? What happened to all that swagger you had this morning?

WILLOW: And all that swagger you had about two minutes ago?

CONNOR: What am I supposed to do? Feel sorry for myself because the woman I loved, the woman I would give my life to protect, had sex with me out of pity, because she felt sorry for me? I adapt. That's what I do. That's what I've always done.

FRED: Never knew you had feelings. Or are these fake feelings, like when you pretended you were upset that we couldn't find your dad?

CONNOR: Whatever. Like any of you could ever understand me.

WILLOW: Wow. Spoken like a normal teenager.

CONNOR: I never understood that word. What exactly is normal, anyway?

[XANDER enters through the front door, on the opposite side of the lobby from where Connor, Willow and Cordy are.]

WILLOW: Oh look. My ride's here. [Cordy scowls at the sight of Xander. ANGEL hears someone enter and comes out to the lobby to see who it is. He sees Xander, and looks disappointed and annoyed.

ANGEL: What the hell are you doing here?

XANDER: Is this the way to treat everyone who comes through that door? Cause with an attitude like that you're probably not landing many clients. Do you validate parking?

ANGEL: No. [looks as if he's just been asked the most senseless question of his entire life.]

XANDER: Well then, I'll go find a spot on the street with a meter. [leaves. Even Willow thinks that was an odd entrance.]


	7. Xander enters and draws Connor's ire

[Gunn comes into the lobby through the back door.]

GUNN: So I'm fightin' this giant demon worm, and I chop it in half with my axe, and it turns into two demon worms. So I chop them in half. Four demon worms! Never seen anything like that in my whole entire life.

WILLOW: Sounds like "Fantasia."

GUNN: Say what? Ain't no demon worms in "Fantasia."

ANGEL: Sounds like a nemacondal. To kill them you have to cut them longitudinally. You know, lengthwise.

GUNN: Found that out the messy way. Had to shower before I could go back out in public. That's why I was gone so long. Did I miss anything interesting? [Fred and Willow both smirk to try to keep from laughing.]

FRED: Nope. Can't think of anything worth mentioning.

CORDY: Say, what was that spell you were doing with Willow?

FRED: A finder spell or somethin' like that.

WILLOW: A locator spell. To find where your Big Bad hibernates. Apparently he crashes in Westwood. After that it gets complicated. I'll have to explain.

[Wesley enters, wearing a jacket.]

WES: Check out my new toy. [flips his right wrist. A thin tube pops out about two feet past his fingers. Then a quick burst of flame several feet long shoots out of the tube. Then the tube disappears back inside Wesley's sleeve.] Greek Fire. Secret weapon of ancient Byzantium. Sticks to the skin. Very difficult to extinguish. We'll see what the Beasty thinks of this.

WILLOW: How bout that. All you need now is a car with a missile launcher and a watch that shoots poison darts and, oh, forget it. By the way Wes, I met Lilah. Frankly, I'm impressed. You've really outdone yourself this time, snagging someone that glamorous.

CORDY: When did you meet Lilah? And what do you mean glamorous?

WILLOW: Sure, she's not without her demerits, starting with whatever she did with Connor. But the woman's got star quality.

WES: Did? With Connor? Lilah DID Connor?

WILLOW: You and Angel should start a support group.

CONNOR: She tried to tie me up. Does she tie you up?

WES: [pausing, trying to maintain composure.] From my experience I've found she's the one who likes to get tied up.

WILLOW: Really? I pictured her as a dominator. [Wes and Fred give Willow funny looks.] Not that I've ever PICTURED her or thought about her, certainly not in that way. I just mean, she struck me as the type who would like to be on top. You know, in control.

WES: Maybe that's what this . . . this THING with Connor was. She wanted someone she could control - enslave, really. I'm sure it was nothing more than that.

CONNOR: So does this mean you're still interested in her? [whispers in Wes's ear] You really gonna kiss that mouth after what I put in it? [Wes turns ashen. Angel heard from 20 feet away. He looks distressed. Connor's changing, and evidently not for the better.]

ANGEL: Can we try to focus on something asexual? [Xander enters. Angel notices.] That's not what I had in mind. Guess I should be careful what I wish for.

WILLOW: Hey Xand. How was work?

CORDY: What is he doing here? And who else from Sunnydale is lurking nearby, ready to drop in at any moment?

WILLOW: Oh no, it's just us - thank heavens. [after all, if Buffy showed up things could get awfully ugly]

XANDER: I had a construction job down in Culver City. They needed a replacement crew after the old crew disappeared.

ANGEL: They didn't exactly disappear.

WES: More like ripped limb from limb.

XANDER: [oblivious to this news] So I figure, I'm gonna be in town all day, so why not take Willow along, let her catch up with you guys. Tell me Willow, what exactly have they been up to?

WILLOW: Quite a lot. I'm not quite sure where to begin.

XANDER: Cordelia! You sure look different. Cut your hair. Dyed it blonde. Are we trying to look like someone? Trying to catch a certain man's attention? What else have you done - started slaying vampires?

CONNOR: [steps up to Xander] And she's good at it. She's a demon fighter. You got a problem with that?

XANDER: [looks dismissively at the teenager] Leave us alone, small fry. The grown-ups are having a conversation.

CORDY: Connor relax. I can handle him.

XANDER: You sure could. Especially in the utility closet. [Cordy looks pissed. Connor and Angel don't know what Xander is talking about. Xander walks away before Cordy could insult him back.] I see some new faces.

WILLOW: Xander, this is Gunn, this is Fred, and the young man you've already met is Connor. [Connor's glares at Xander. Something about this new guy rubs Connor the wrong way.]

FRED: Great to meet you, Xander. Willow's told me lotsa wonderful stuff about you.

XANDER: [smiling] Well thank you. Always glad to meet a fan.

GUNN: Whassup man.

XANDER: Hey there. [looks behind Fred and Gunn] Wesley? Wesley, is that you? [walks over to Wesley. He's not happy to see Xander] You're a mess! There's this wonderful new invention called an electric razor. Maybe you should look into buying one. Or have you just given up completely on personal grooming?

WES: That's right. Keep up the class clown act. Just give me one excuse, one reason, to give you the thrashing of a lifetime.

XANDER: heheheh. Is that supposed to scare me? A threat from Weasely Wesley? You grow a little stubble, take off the glasses, and expect me to believe you've become some sort of badass?

WILLOW: Xander he IS a badass.

XANDER: What! You're kidding right?

WILLOW: Fraid not. You know how over the course of three or four years people can go through some pretty dramatic changes? Well, he has.

XANDER: I'll just have to trust you on that one, Will. It's cool. [pats Wes on the shoulder, a friendly but condescending gesture. Wesley still glares at him contemptuously. Gunn likes Xander's antagonism towards Wes.] You understand my doubts. After all, last time I say this guy, he was cowering on the ground while the rest of us were fighting for our lives.

ANGEL: So that's why I didn't see you during the graduation melee.

WES: I was not cowering. I place myself in the front lines, and as a consequence I was trampled by the hundreds of people running up behind me. That sort of thing can happen to even the best man.

WILLOW: I think we can all agree that whether or not Wes was once cowardly, things have changed. Honestly Wesley, you think Lilah would have given you the time of day four years ago?

WES: Perhaps not. But Cordelia sure did. [Connor doesn't look amused]

CONNOR: You – and Wesley!

CORDY: No. Not really. And it's none of your business. [Connor looks angrily at Wesley. Wes knows better than to put Connor into a jealous rage.]

WES: Nothing happened. Like Willow said, I was a very different man.

WILLOW: Not entirely. Cordy did say you looked all 007 in a tux, and now you have the gadgetry, and the really hot bad girl.

WES: Then again, James Bond never sliced a 400-pound demon in half.

XANDER: So you used to be Roger Moore James Bond. Then you got booted from the Council. Now you're Timothy Dalton James Bond. The rogue agent, like in License to Kill. [the others start looking at him kind of funny.] Sorry, I've been forced to spend a lot of time with this guy Andrew, and he this thing, this obsession with . . . never mind.

WILLOW: Good call, Xander. Andrew would probably LOOOVE Wesley. He'd be Andrew's hero.

XANDER: Maybe we could send him up here. Kind of like a geek exchange program.

WILLOW: But they don't have any geeks of their own to exchange with us.

GUNN: So Wes, whadya got against this Xander guy? He don't seem so bad.

WES: He's not bad. Just annoying. And useless. Am I right?

CORDY: Can't argue with that.

ANGEL: He's like ballast. Dead weight.

FRED: But without ballast, the ship's center of gravity would be too high and it would capsize.

ANGEL: I know. I didn't say he was useless. He's not. He's just . . . ballast.

XANDER: That was a compliment, right?

ANGEL: [thinks for a few seconds] I guess it was. It's also the truth, come to think of it. I can't think of a better metaphor to describe your purpose.

XANDER: So you're saying without me everything falls apart? Thank you.

ANGEL: Don't mention it.

CORDY: Is that the nicest thing you've ever said to Xander?

ANGEL: Probably the nicest thing I'll EVER say to him.

CONNOR: So you're from Sunnydale. Where Cordy grew up. Were you two friends?

XANDER: No. Never. It was always love-hate with the two of us. No middle ground.

CONNOR: Love!?

XANDER: More like lust. Why do you care?

WILLOW: Maybe you shouldn't answer that. Cordy, I think we need to change the subject yet again.

CORDY: Right. To something which has nothing to do with Xander. Or Connor.

XANDER: I don't get you, Connor. You act like you're Cordy's protector. You get jealous when anyone talks about her love life. It's like you think you're her boyfriend. Which, knowing Cordy, I'm sure you're not. He's not, right?

CORDY: No. Definitely not.

CONNOR: Yeah. You just lived with me and had sex with me.

XANDER: Cordy! I'm shocked. Since when did you go for younger guys?

WILLOW: Xander, step back, let me explain. Believe me when I say you have NO idea what you're walking into.

CONNOR: Was Xander your boyfriend?

CORDY: Well, uh, see, the thing is, kinda, yes. But only for a little while.

XANDER: You call a year a little while?

CORDY: I was gone all summer so those months don't count. And what date are you using as the starting point for our relationship, cause by my count . .

XANDER: True or false. You dated me longer than anyone in high school? Longer than anyone since high school.

CORDY: [thinks about it. looks agonized] Oh God. Oh God. It's true. That is so pathetic.

CONNOR: I don't believe this! I'm not good enough for you do date, but he is!? How is that possible? I mean, look at him!

ANGEL: I hate to say it, but my son has a point.

CONNOR: It's one thing for you to choose Angel over me. But this THING! This waste of space? Come on! Am I really lower than him?

CORDY: No. No. Of course not.

CONNOR: Did you sleep with him, with this thing?

XANDER: Stop calling me a thing.

CONNOR: What else am I supposed to call you? You're hardly a man. [Wes chuckles. So does Angel.]

XANDER: Let's back up one moment. How can Cordy choose Angel over the boy?

CONNOR: Are you calling me a boy?

XANDER: What else should I call you? You're hardly a man.

CONNOR: I think Cordy would disagree. And she's not the only one.

XANDER: Like I was saying, you can't choose Angel over the boy, because you can't choose someone who would never want you. It's like me choosing Buffy. Unless . . . no, don't tell me. I don't believe it!

WILLOW: Angel loves Cordy.

XANDER: And when you say love, you mean . . .

WILLOW: The kind where they want to be naked together.

XANDER: Now this - this is a surprise. The tables have turned. You're hot for my ex-girlfriend. [walks up to Angel] It must kill you that I got there first.

CORDY: You didn't get anywhere.

ANGEL: He didn't, right?

CORDY: Of course not! [Angel breathes a sigh of relief. Cordy sleeping with Connor, that deeply upset Angel. But Cordy sleeping with Xander, well in a way that's worse.]

CONNOR: What could you POSSIBLY see in him? Is he a fighter? Is he a champion?

XANDER: Excuse me. A what?

CONNOR: A champion. A defender of the helpless. One who doesn't see the world as it is, but instead sees it as it should be, and tries to make it a better place.

XANDER: That is so lame! Did you come up with that?

CONNOR: Angel's always talking about it. He gives these speeches.

ANGEL: I'm glad you remembered my speech. It's good to know you took something from that talk.

XANDER: So that's what it's come to - you call yourselves champions. At what point do you start wearing capes and black tights?

WILLOW: And when do you rename this place the Fortress of Solitude? Sorry, couldn't resist. It is a bit self-consciously grandiose. I've done some pretty amazing stuff. But I don't go around giving myself fancy titles.

[Lorne comes down the stairs]

LORNE: [singing] "I'm in the money, I'm in the money, I've got a lot of what it takes to get along." [talking] I've got good news and great news. The good news is Caritas is having its grand re-opening this Friday. The great news is I ensured the place for 2 million smackeroos. Next time the place gets trashed, I'll be covered in green, and I ain't talkin' bout my skin, sugar.

WILLOW: Who are you, the friendly neighborhood demon?

XANDER: You're actually less unsightly than our friendly neighborhood demon.

LORNE: Thanks, I guess. But I like to think of myself as something more than the wacky, red-horned next door neighbor.

XANDER: So you have demony powers?

FRED: He makes you sing and then reads your thoughts and sees your future.

LORNE: Actually, I'm out of the futures business. Seems everytime I pull a Nostradamus someone's brains end up splattered on the wall. Right now I mostly do counseling. I listen, I advise, I help people and demons with their problems. Like Dr. Phil, except I know what I'm talking about.

WILLOW: We had a demon in Sunnydale who made everyone in town sing and dance and reveal their innermost thoughts and feelings. The whole town was singing and dancing. Then people started dying.

LORNE: An entire town singing and dancing? How precious! How Busby Berkeley! Well, except for the killing. I don't believe in going that far in the name of art. Sounds like an empath who went over to the dark side. There's a few dozen of them around. Say, wouldn't it be lovely if that happened here? No, actually it wouldn't. None of you can carry a tune to save your souls. Except for you, Charles. The rest of you, well, you've heard each other sing, you know what I'm talking about.

XANDER: So there are other musical demons out there who could strike at any time?

WILLOW: We are in need of a light-hearted diversion. And I'd like to hear what kind of pipes the newbies have got.

XANDER: I've always wanted to do an homage to Gene Kelly's "Singin' in the Rain" on Main Street.

LORNE: They never strike where another has gone before. Then there's no novelty. And each of them has a distinctive genre they make people sing in. What was yours? Rogers & Hammerstein? Gilbert & Sullivan?

WILLOW: No. It was more contemporary. Kind of pop/rock.

LORNE: Please don't tell me it was Andrew Lloyd Webber. The horror!

XANDER: No, it was a lot better than that.

WILLOW: Sort of like Rent with a splash of Les Mis.

XANDER: Pleasantly tuneful.

LORNE: Just be glad you didn't get the Lawrence Welk demon. Entire towns have been known to commit mass suicide rather than endure that ordeal.


	8. You staked mom!, or, Why Connor calls Bu

XANDER: Angel, it's quite shocking to learn that you now have the hots for Cordy. Because back when you lived in Sunnydale, you barely even noticed she existed. And it's not like she was hard to miss, since she literally THREW herself at you every chance she got. So what gives? Has Cordy changed, or have you just gotten desperate? You know that song: the eagle flying with the doves and so you can't be with who you love, something something."

LORNE: Actually it's "And there's a rose in the fisted glove/ and the eagle flies with the dove/ and if you can't be with the one you love, honey/ love the one you're with." Not like I'm saying that's what's going on AT ALL. It's a nice song, I got caught up in the moment.

WILLOW: You're quite good. You perform?

LORNE: Do I perform? Three months sold out in Las Vegas, hottest show on the strip. Do I perform? Honey, I astound.

WILLOW: You should do a show at the Bronze. Don't you think, Xander?

LORNE: First of all, I don't do hick towns. No offense. Second of all, I'm blacklisted from that particular dive. Your Bronze – which those of us in the business call "The Rust" – doesn't allow demons. Ain't that ironic. Not like it's a favorite destination for human talent. The other week I saw Aimee Mann at the Troubadour, and we got to talking after she finished her set. She said the vampires in that town are so rude. Told me that at least in LA the vamps behave themselves and don't start fights in mid-song. She also wanted to know if Billy Idol was a vampire, which I didn't quite get. I mean – come on! – the man has not aged gracefully.

WILLOW: Billy Idol? Why would she? . . . Hold on. Did she meet? . . . Never mind. Xander, your first guess was correct. Cordy has – how shall I put it? – evolved. It appears that you're also a retroactive demon magnet.

XANDER: Huh? What was that word? Retro, retro . . . whoa. Cordy's a demon? Cordy's a demon! What kind of demon? Not a Vengeance Demon, I hope.

ANGEL: Nope. She only hurts men who haven't scorned her.

CORDY: Enough with the angry puppy act, Angel. I didn't become a demon. I became part-demon. So I could help people.

XANDER: Help people what?

WILLOW: She'd get prophecies. She'd know in advance when and where the bad guys would strike so Angel could stop them. Rather like cheating, getting the questions before the exam. Plus there was some levitating, healing with her touch, and occasionally she'd become incandescent.

XANDER: What?

WESLEY: Effulgent.

ANGEL: Effulgent? What kind of a wuss uses that word?

WILLOW: Glowing. She could glow.

XANDER: Like when people get too much radiation?

WILLOW: No. Like when people turn into a 100 kilowatt bulb. Which of course they don't. Except she did. Then suddenly and inexplicably she became a Higher Being in some Upper Dimension, and for reasons no one understands got sent back, apparently without most of her demony powers.

LORNE: Don't even try to make sense of it. Logic departed this little corner of our world a while back.

CONNOR: [to Angel] So is that how things work? You only loved Cordy after she became a demon? She wasn't good enough for you as a human?

ANGEL: Connor, I am not talking to you about this. Why would you believe Xander anyway?

CORDY: Because he's telling the truth.

ANGEL: I don't believe this. You're all ganging up on me.

CONNOR: Was there another woman? Someone you thought was superior to Cordelia?

WES: Oh dear. Now we're playing with dynamite.

ANGEL: Why is it every time we fight you have to bring Her up?

CORDY: I didn't bring Her up. She's the last person I'd mention in your presence. You think I want her shadow following me around?

ANGEL: Buffy is not the problem. Buffy is not the one who slept with Connor.

WILLOW: Thank God for that. [Buffy-Connor crosses everyone's minds for a very frightening fraction of a second. Angel's disturbed to realize that Connor-Buffy would bother him a lot less than Connor-Cordy.]

ANGEL: Was this some sick, twisted form of payback? Your bizarre revenge for my relationship with Buffy? For choosing her over you once upon a time? Did you want to teach me what jealousy felt like? Fine. You win. I hope you're happy now.

CORDY: How can you even think something that ridiculous?

CONNOR: What's a Buffy? Is that a demon? Or some sort of small, furry animal?

LORNE: Sounds like the setup to a punchline in a really dirty joke I once heard.

WES: [whispers to Gunn] There's a reason we don't use the 5-letter B-word around here. Things are about to get very ugly.

CORDY: Angel, can't you see what's happening? Xander's trying to open up old wounds, get under your skin. And you're playing right into his hands. You're letting him manipulate you. Don't give him the satisfaction. Besides, who is Xander to make fun of anyone else's personal life?

ANGEL: You're right. I mean come on, you're Xander. You don't have the right to laugh at anyone's personal life but your own.

XANDER: That may have been true before I saw you this afternoon with Cordy and her boy toy. He's not just younger than you. He's the square root of your age.

WES: One question, Xander. Do you want to get beat up, or are you really as stupid as I think you are?

FRED: What is the problem all of you have with Xander?

ANGEL: Isn't it obvious? He's annoying. He walks into someone else's home and starts insulting everyone in sight.

WES: He's got no class.

FRED: At least he's a decent man. At least he's not some deviant pervert. That's more than I can say for some of the other men in this room.

CORDY: Oh really? Are you going to correct her, Xander? Cause if you won't, I'll be happy to set Fred straight. This shouldn't take long. Xander not a deviant? He dated a 500 year-old Incan Mummy, and tried to lose his virginity to a giant preying mantis.

FRED: You tried to have sex with an arthropod?

XANDER: I didn't know she was a preying mantis.

FRED: How could you NOT know she was a preying mantis!

GUNN: A mummy? Are bandages one of your turn-ons?

XANDER: She didn't have bandages. She looked human. Cordy you're distorting things and you know it.

FRED: Is she telling the truth?

XANDER: Technically, yes.

FRED: You need help.

LORNE: I do counsel people suffering from demon fetishes. I charge 80-an-hour. And I can do telephone appointments. Don't be ashamed. It's more common than you would think.

XANDER: I do not have a demon fetish. It's not like I seek them out. They just keep finding me. And they're aren't exactly upfront and tell you they're a demon right off the bat.

WILLOW: It's true. Xander's a demon magnet. He can't help it.

XANDER: And they're all very attractive human-looking demons. So you can understand my predicament.

GUNN: No I can't.

CONNOR: Why don't you kill the attractive human-looking demons when they hit on you? That's what I do. You have to be pretty desperate to do it with demons. [Willow wonders how Buffy would react to hearing this. Realizes it's best for Connor's own safety that he never meet Buffy, lest he piss her off and pick a fight with her. Also notes the irony in his comments, since Connor is the child of demons.]

CORDY: Now what's left? Decency. Do you remember why we broke up?

XANDER: Speaking of opening old wounds.

CORDY: Really bad choice of words. I caught Xander cheating on me. With Willow.

GUNN: But Willow's a lesbian. Why would he try to get it on with a lesbian?

WES: Willow wasn't always a lesbian. However, with Xander Harris as her masculine ideal, is it any wonder she gave up on men?

CORDY: And that's not the worst part.

FRED: It's not?

CORDY: Oh no. Not only did he cheat on me. He got me impaled.

FRED: That is low. That is lower than low.

XANDER: Come on now! I was at most indirectly responsible for that. The stairs collapsed. She fell. I had nothing to do with any of that.

CONNOR: I saw that wound. I thought a demon had skewered you. But it was this thing. This wretched, disgusting excuse for a man.

XANDER: Enough with the defending of Cordy's "honor." This is getting absurd.

CONNOR: And the worst part is, you don't even say your sorry. Don't creatures with souls always apologize for their evil deeds, even if they don't really mean it? [oblique reference for Angel's apology to Holtz when they met shortly before Darla gave birth.]

XANDER: Can the tough-guy talk, junior. You think I'm afraid of you?

CONNOR: No. I think you're too stupid to be afraid of me.

XANDER: I'm not afraid of you. However, I am afraid of all the other people and undead creatures who've got your back. That's probably why you talk such a good game. You know that if I touch you Angel and pals will come to your rescue. What are you, anyway? The intern? The trainee?

ANGEL: I won't lay a hand on you, Xander. None of us will. I promise. [he smiles, since Xander has no idea what he's gotten himself into.]

WES: It's just you and the young gentleman you so uncharitably call "boy." [he also smiles. Wes will enjoy watching Xander get thrashed.]

XANDER: I don't want to start anything.

CONNOR: You started this by hurting Cordy.

XANDER: And this is your way of trying to impress her?

CONNOR: No. This is my way of giving you what you deserve. [left hook to Xander's diaphragm. Knocks the wind out of him. right jab to Xander's midsection. Connor grabs Xander and throws him across the room. Xander hits the wall and tumbles to the ground. Connor leaps across the room and lands right next to Xander, who looks up at him in perplexed astonishment.]

XANDER: Are you a robot? Cause that would explain an awful lot. Especially your funny way of speaking. [Connor just glares down at him.] What are you?

CONNOR: I hate when people ask me that. [Willow comes over, sticks her hand out, knocks Connor 15 feet backwards without even touching him. Connor's very confused.] What the hell are YOU!

WILLOW: Anyone wants to lay a hand on Xander has to come through me first.

ANGEL: Back away Connor. Leave Willow alone. I don't want anyone losing their skin.

WILLOW: That is so typical! Everywhere I go, people come up to and say "Hey Willow, how's the flaying?" Or "ooh, what are you gonna do, flay me?" All of a sudden, I'm flay girl. Do you have any idea how annoying it is being typecast?

ANGEL: Sorry. It's just something that sticks in your head when you hear it. [Willow lets it slide. She does kinda like it that even Angel appears to be scared of her and respect her power.]

CONNOR: Is Willow part demon, like Cordy? [Xander slowly gets up.]

XANDER: Can someone tell me what that thing is?

CONNOR: Don't call me a thing.

XANDER: You called me a thing.

WILLOW: [communicating telepathically] Xander, just shut up and listen. I should have done this a lot earlier. Connor was born last year.

XANDER: [communicating telepathically] So this is a Dawn sort of thing?

WILLOW: It's completely different. Connor is Angel's biological son.

XANDER: What? How?

WILLOW: No one knows. Angel slept with this vampire named Darla. She became pregnant with a human child. At the end of the pregnancy, she staked herself so Connor could be born. That was 13 months ago.

XANDER: How did he grow up so fast?

WILLOW: It gets weirder. Bear with me. There's this guy named Holtz who hunted vampires in the 18th century. Angel murdered his family. So Holtz found a way to travel through time. He came to LA, kidnapped Connor while he was still an infant, and took baby Connor to an unspeakably horrible hell dimension. Time is different in other dimensions. A day here is like a year there. So a few weeks later Connor comes back a teenager. He ambushes Angel, puts him in a box, and drops him to the bottom of the ocean. He was down there three months before he was rescued.

XANDER: Couldn't have happened to a nicer father. Is this Holtz guy still around? I'd love to meet him.

WILLOW: He killed himself and made it look like Angel bit him. That's why Connor went after Angel.

XANDER: [speaking] Darla! The vampire? Angel, I thought you staked Darla?

CONNOR: You staked mom!

XANDER: Wow. And I thought my family had problems.

CORDY: What just happened during that long silence? How come Xander is all of a sudden in the know?

CONNOR: How could you do that to her?

LORNE: They were communicating telepathically. Who's Dawn, and what connection does she have to Connor?

WILLOW: None, and I'm really hoping it will stay that way. Were you eavesdropping on us?

LORNE: Don't have a choice. You exchange thoughts around an empath, and its like your screaming in my ear. Word of advice: it's bad etiquette to use ESP around those who can't. Very condescending. And no one likes a show-off.

CORDY: You can read each other's thoughts! Am I the only one who finds that really freaky?

WES: Willow I understand. But how can Xander communicate like that? He's powerless.

XANDER: If I'm so powerless, then how did I save the world?

WES: You didn't. Your Slayer did.

FRED: No, he's right. Willow told me about how Xander singlehandedly saved the world last May.

WES: Come again?

ANGEL: Is this some sort of joke?

CORDY: It's true. Kind of. One of the things I saw when I was omniscient. Willow was going to destroy the planet.

ANGEL: How? And why? Did you open a portal to hell?

WILLOW: No Angel. I wasn't going to suck the world into another dimension. I'm not that lazy and powerless. I was going to destroy the planet on my own. With magic. No petrified demon. No shortcuts. No mentally insane cronies doing all my dirty work.

ANGEL: Are you insulting me? Are you questioning my competence?

WILLOW: Actually I was telling the truth, but if the truth makes you feel inferior to me, fine.

CORDY: Unlike you, she actually kicked Buffy's ass. That part was kind of fun to watch, I have to admit. Buffy was getting all self-righteous, taking herself WAY too seriously, all wrapped up in her precious Slayerness. Anyway, Xander didn't save the world. Willow decided not to destroy it. It's like when someone convinces their best friend not to commit suicide, accept Willow was going to take the rest of humanity down with her.

CONNOR: Does that mean you're evil?

WILLOW: No! Of course not. I was. For a few days. But I'm over that, and I'm back to being good.

CONNOR: So you once were evil but now you're good. Like my father?

WILLOW: Absolutely not! It's not like I was a monster. No offense, Angel. But it was only for like one day and I only killed one person, which I'm sorry for even though he was a murderous psychopath.

CONNOR: You killed a killer. Why are you sorry? Killers deserve to die.

WILLOW: Please stop condoning what I did. It doesn't help. My point is, I'm learning how to control my power, so I don't abuse it for selfish purposes. I make sure I only use it to help others. I'm a good witch.

CONNOR: You're a witch! I thought they burned your kind.

WILLOW: They tried. It didn't take. And hey! Could you be any ruder or more intolerant? But since you were raised by an 18th-century religious zealot, I'm going to cut you some slack and let this one pass.

CONNOR: Whatever. I got other things on my mind. Dad, I can't believe you staked my mother. Holtz said a lot of bad things about you two. But he always said you loved each other.

XANDER: How did she come back? What is there, a rule – sleep with Angel, get a free resurrection?

LORNE: If there's a better pickup line, well I haven't heard it.

XANDER: Whoa. It just hit me. Cordy - you slept with something you knew as an infant. You boned a rugrat. And YOU were calling ME depraved? A few months ago Connor was a baby, and you were lying in bed with him, gently rocking him to sleep. Now he's a teenager, and you're lying in bed with him, gently rocking him to sleep.

WILLOW: Apparently mommy like.

CONNOR: And this Buffy creature. Is that who you left mother for?

ANGEL: She's got nothing to do with this.

XANDER: Sure she does. Darla tried to kill Buffy. That's why you staked her.

FRED: Was Buffy that 15 year-old you dated?

CONNOR: Your mistress was a child? Dad, that's disgusting.

XANDER: The kid's finally beginning to make some sense.

ANGEL She wasn't my mis- . . . Connor, whatever happened between me and Buffy Summers is in the past, and has nothing to do with you, or with our lives here in Los Angeles.

CONNOR: She's probably in that picture book Cordy has. [Connor disappears]

WILLOW: What picture book?

CORDY: I think he means the high school yearbook.

CONNOR: You make me sick. [Xander turns around. Connor's behind him. He's only been gone 5 seconds.]

XANDER: How did you do that? You're even stealthier than your old man.

CONNOR: She's looks like a third-rate knock-off version of mom.

ANGEL: How could you know what Darla looks like?

CONNOR: When I was little, I would see her in my dreams. If I was frightened, she'd appear, and then I wouldn't be scared. I always felt like she was a part of me. I came from her. She died so that I could live. Which is a lot more that you've ever done for me, father.

ANGEL: Connor, that's not fair. You know I'd give my life to protect you.

XANDER: He won't know that until you do it. Call me sentimental, but I say go ahead, do whatever it takes to win your son's love. [Willow scowls.] Come on Will, you know I'm just kidding, right?

CONNOR: So that's the cheap harlot you left mom for. Buffy's a stupid name for a person. But it sounds like a good name for a homewrecker.

WILLOW: Buffy the homewrecker?

XANDER: Things are getting surreal.

WILLOW: They were surreal long before you got here.

CONNOR: But I can't blame Buffy, even if she is a tramp. She was just a child. Daddy, you were the adult. You should have known better than to take advantage of a child like that.

XANDER: I'm almost starting to like this kid.


	9. Angel learns Spike has a soul

XANDER: So are there other vampires who spawn, or are you the only one?

ANGEL: That's a stupid question, even for you.

LORNE: It was kind of a miraculous, once-in-world-history type of event. Fulfillment of ancient prophecies and all that jazz.

XANDER: Just wanted to be sure. Cause now that Angel's no longer the only vampire with a soul, -

ANGEL: What are you talking about? That's crazy.

WILLOW: No, HE'S crazy. Spike, I mean. Now that he has a soul.

ANGEL: Spike? [long pause] Spike? How is that possible?

XANDER: You're standing here, a 300 year-old vampire, with your human teenage son who was born last year. How is THAT possible?

WILLOW: He's right. You're not exactly in a position to be a Doubting Thomas.

ANGEL: Good point. Except I am nowhere near 300. So you're telling the truth. Spike's a, a vampire with a, with a . . . soul. But I'M the vampire with a soul. THE vampire with a soul. The ONLY one.

XANDER: Oh well. Guess you're not so special anymore.

ANGEL: How did this happen? How did he? -

WILLOW: We don't know for sure.

FRED: You told me he did it so that Buffy girl would love him. I think it's kinda romantic, a guy going to all that trouble to prove his worth to a woman.

ANGEL and XANDER: [simultaneously] NO IT'S NOT!! [they look at each other, frightened that they were thinking the same thing]

ANGEL: Spike is such a copycat. Always trying to follow in my footsteps, do what I do —

WILLOW: Do WHO you do.

ANGEL: TRYING - to do who I do.

WILLOW: Fraid not.

ANGEL: You mean - just because he has a soul? —

XANDER: It's far more disgusting than that.

WILLOW: Buffy slept with Spike last year, before he had a soul.

CORDY: Ewww! Yuck. I had no idea she was so desperate.

ANGEL: Buffy? With, with Spike? I guess we all have an occasional moment of weakness. [like when Angel slept with Darla and conceived Connor. But Angel's too smart to openly say that in front of his son.]

WILLOW: More like several dozen occasional moments of weakness.

CORDY: I always suspected Buffy was a closet freak.

CONNOR: So this is who you left mom for. She sounds like some sort of vampire layer. Are there a lot of girls like that?

WES: Very few. Into each generation one is born . . . a girl with the power, stamina and strength to . . .

ANGEL: Stop that Wes.

WILLOW: That's gross.

GUNN: As gross as gettin' pounded by the soulless, unholy undead? Doesn't anyone in your town just date people? Always knew the suburbs were wack.

WES: Perhaps it's unfair for me to generalize about Slayers in that manner. After all, we know that Faith NEVER, EVER expressed any interest in getting intimate with ANY vampire.

ANGEL: Okay, you made your point.

WILLOW: It wasn't that simple. Spike had this chip in his head which kept him from biting or even hurting people. When he was soulless, he didn't kill anyone. After he got his soul, he started killing again. But Buffy said it wasn't his fault, that he couldn't be held responsible for his actions. Like I said, it's complicated.

XANDER: [grabs stomach, doubles over] Ow, Owww. Connor, I think you ruptured one of my kidneys.

CONNOR: Your kidneys are in back. I hit you in the spleen. Don't be such a baby. I didn't even hit you that hard. Not like that guy from Wolfram & Hart I found spying on me the other night. HIM I hit in the kidneys. He talked, told me everything he knew. I didn't leave a mark on him. But he'll be pissing blood for a week.

ANGEL: I don't know whether to be proud or terrified.

LORNE: How bout you be proud and I'll be terrified enough for the both of us.

ANGEL: [starts laughing] It just hit me. Spike gets a soul so he can get with Buffy. But the joke's on him, cause now he's Cursed.

WES: Irony can be a delicious thing.

WILLOW: Actually, we haven't noticed anything about a curse.

ANGEL: What!!?

WILLOW: From the way Buffy explains it, he wasn't cursed with a soul so much as he earned it. So the rules for him may be different.

LORNE: To quote Yeats: "some men are born with souls, some men earn their souls, and some men have souls thrust upon them."

WES: That was Shakespeare, you're paraphrasing quite liberally.

ANGEL: I don't believe it. This is so unfair. Spike can . . . with Buffy. And I can't -

CORDY: I knew it! You still have feelings for Buffy.

ANGEL: You slept with my son!

CORDY: Oh yeah? Well I know you kissed Gwen.

ANGEL: You slept with my son!

CORDY: Oh yeah? Well, well, dammit! There's just no comeback for that one.

XANDER: And how scary is it that you had to learn that from personal experience?

ANGEL: That's not why I'm upset. It's the injustice of it all. I've been a champion for years, risking my life, unselfishly serving the greater good. Then Spike gets a soul and right away he's given privileges he's done nothing to earn. And what do they do for me? Let me rot at the bottom of the ocean. Kidnap the woman I love. It's like The Powers That Be are screwing me over left and right!

XANDER: The Who's that What?

LORNE: The big fellas upstairs.

CORDY: The ones who gave me the visions and then made me a Higher Being.

WILLOW: I've never heard of any such entity.

CORDY: You probably aren't as plugged in to the Higher Powers as we are.

WILLOW: Excuse me! Not plugged in? Show of hands - who here has restored someone's soul? [raises hand] Who here has raised the dead? [raises hand] I think I proved my point.

CONNOR: You raised the dead? You can take life. You can restore life. You can save souls. You can't take them away, can you? [slowly inches away from Willow]

XANDER: She's not the one in this room with the power to take someone's soul away. [looks at Angel]

WILLOW: And those other things I only did once. Under tremendously unique, unrepeatable circumstances. Okay, ONE of them is repeatable, but only if certain people don't behave responsibly. [glares at Cordy]

CORDY: Why me? What did I do? Oh, that. Hey! It takes two, you know. Why am I the only one you're scolding? Although, if, God forbid, THAT was to happen, you could do that spell again with all the Latin, right? And then problem solved.

WILLOW: I'm not going to stand on call every time you two get frisky. That's abusing the magics, and I don't do that anymore.

XANDER: What if we get Angel one of those chips, so that if he goes bad no one gets hurt? The Army must have a few of those lying around, and I'm sure Riley would be more than happy to hook Angel up.

WILLOW: Very funny. That would be great for Angel's human enemies. Which may be why you like the idea, since you are kinda -

ANGEL: I'll give Spike this — he's better than that Riley clown. He's the evil of two lessers.


	10. What is wrong with you Sunnydale people?

[Things start off farcical, with Fred marvelling at the weirdness of the Scoobies and Connor nonchalantly discussing methods of torture. But midway through things get serious when the conversation turns to Gunn's killing of Fred's professor. Wes and Xander oddly find themselves in agreement, while disagreement between Wes and Angel threatens to explode into an argument over Wesley's role in Connor's abduction. In front of Connor.]

WILLOW: I can only imagine what Buffy will say when she finds out you have the hots for Cordy.

XANDER: Not to mention the fact that you're a daddy. Bet she'll be real pissed at you. Can't say that's a bad thing. Course, if she knew you were after Cordy, she might retaliate by trying to restart things with Spike. Now that WOULD be a bad thing. Perhaps we'll keep much of this visit to ourselves, okay Will?

WILLOW: I don't like hiding stuff from her. But she is under a lot of pressure, and we wouldn't want to distract her with lurid tales from LA. There is one thing she needs to know. I met a lawyer today who's suing the First Evil.

XANDER: You can't be serious.

WILLOW: She seemed to be very serious. See for yourself. [gives Xander envelope with legal briefs] She works for an evil law firm. It seems they have a beef with our Big Bad. Appears they own all the slogans we've been spouting off for the past couple months.

XANDER: They have a store at the mall? Grrr Argh, Incorporated? That's classic. So much cooler than First Evil.

WILLOW: She says she's got the goods on them, if we're willing to do some favors for her. Also, Angel - I did the locator spell. Your Beast hides out in Westwood.

CORDY: Always thought that part of town was tacky.

WILLOW: Lilah had her witches hack into my spell and steal the Beast's exact location. She seems eager to negotiate with you. Course you may not be eager to give her what she wants.

CONNOR: I could break into her house, put a knife to her throat, and threaten to kill her if she doesn't tell.

ANGEL: Son, we don't do things that way.

LORNE: We threaten people all the time. And she knows Connor's capable of doing it.

ANGEL: Which means she'll give us the goods before he has to resort to violence. This could work.

CONNOR: And if she doesn't I can tie her up and threaten to cut up other parts of her body. That should make her talk. After all, the more grievous the threat, the less violence you need to use.

ANGEL: True but, other parts? I don't wanna ask. Now son, these are just ideas. You would wouldn't actually ENJOY doing those things, would you?

CONNOR: Not to her.

LORNE: Never have I met anyone who can make vagueness so terrifying.

XANDER: Maybe you could do some wet work for us. Get us the info, help us save the world.

CONNOR: It wouldn't work a second time. I would have no credibility. She would know I couldn't kill her. I could torture her subordinates, go beyond threats and use actual pain to extract what you need.

LORNE: Personally, I think Gavin would look great on The Rack. Or maybe hanging by his toenails.

CORDY: Connor, have you put a lot of thought into these sorts of things?

CONNOR: No. I just learned by watching you guys threaten demons to make them talk. There are all those humans coming after me since I got here. But they're weak, and it's easy to make them talk. Demons, people - if they're evil, and they try to kill you, what's the difference?

WILLOW: Turns out your son's an idealist. Just like you. Only with different ideals.

XANDER: So this was an evil lawyer. An evil, demon lawyer? [smiles] Do they have lawyer demons?

WILLOW: She's human. An evil human.

WES: Though she can be a demon in the - never mind.

WILLOW: Evil but sexy. Actually, the evil part is what makes her interesting. Let's just say you'd love getting served by her.

CONNOR: I sure did.

WILLOW: Not serviced. Served, with a subpoena, or some other legal document. Good God! How long before this kid starts hanging out at the Playboy Mansion? Can't entirely blame ya, Connor. You've been living on the streets, seeing only the scummy side of life. Angel should have realized this. Throw an 18 year-old boy who knows almost nothing about this world onto the streets, to live with the runaways and the prostitutes and junkies. What were you thinking?

ANGEL: I had my reasons.

GUNN: Damn straight you had your reasons.

FRED: He imprisoned Angel in a watery grave and then lied about it for 3 months. What was Angel supposed to do?

XANDER: So he tried to kill his friends and loved ones. Who hasn't? [Lorne, Fred raise their hands]

LORNE: From now on I'm sleeping with the lights on.

FRED: Charles?

GUNN: My sister.

FRED: She was a vampire. So that doesn't count.

GUNN: Good point. I still see way too many hands up for comfort.

FRED: What is wrong with you Sunnydale people!!?

WILLOW: Look at Little Miss Perfect. Thinks she's all superior cause she never tried to kill her friends.

LORNE: The demons always say it's the PEOPLE ya gotta watch out for in that town. That's why it's a Hellmouth. You just scapegoat the demons rather than confront your own problems.

FRED: That's what it sounds like from what Willow told me. Ya'al don't need a Slayer. Ya need a shrink. Maybe a whole army of shrinks to quarantine your mass madness.

XANDER: Sure. Blame the victims. Make it seem like we bring evil on yourselves.

FRED: It's called taking responsibility for your own actions. If I do something wrong, I don't blame it on the fact that I was enslaved for 5 years in a demon dimension.

XANDER: You were what? For real?

WILLOW: Yep. Then she found the guy who put her and a lot of other people there. She was going to kill him, but Charles did it for her.

XANDER: That was very good of you, Gunn.

FRED: What!!? You're congratulating him for taking a human life?

XANDER: You didn't enjoy it, did you? Was it quick?

GUNN: No, I didn't. And yes, it was. He didn't feel a thing.

XANDER: Then I don't see the problem. What else were you going to do? Call the police, have him sent to prison? Something had to be done. Who else was in a position to do it?

ANGEL: Spoken like someone who's never taken a human life.

XANDER: Spoken like someone who's only taken INNOCENT human life. There's a huge difference. I know you and Buffy have this Prime Directive about only killing demons. But Prime Directives are made to be broken. They can't apply to every circumstance.

WES: Thank you Captain Kirk. I think what he is trying to say is that refusing to kill evil people can be a form of moral selfishness. You're refusing to kill because of what it might do to your soul, even if the murder serves the Greater Good and saves innocent lives.

ANGEL: Thanks for the ethics lesson, Wes. Let's hear you give me the one about how it's okay to betray your friends and kidnap someone else's kid. 

[tense silence. Connor doesn't quite know what they're talking about. Wes doesn't want to say anything stupid. he takes his time. Fred, Cordy, Gunn and Lorne look very nervous. Willow knows what's up. Xander doesn't. But he can tell it's something serious.]

WES: Don't make this personal. I wasn't. I expressed an opinion which had nothing to do with you. If tearing into me makes you feel better, then go ahead. I can take it. I deserve far worse. But I don't think this is the proper forum for that kind of conversation.

[another long, tense pause. Connor has no idea what's going on.]

ANGEL: Don't pretend to offer yourself up as a martyr. I was just surprised to hear you agree with Xander. [smirks] Great minds think alike, I guess.

[Lorne, Cordy, Fred and Gunn breathe a sigh of relief. They didn't want Angel and Wesley to fight in front of the children (I mean child)]

WES: Just because Xander holds and opinion does not automatically mean it is incorrect.

XANDER: Thanks, Wes.

WES: I'm sure he believes water and oxygen are good things.

XANDER: Hey! You're making fun of me.

WES: Old habits are hard to break. To be serious, I wasn't talking about you, Angel. I was talking about Charles. There is a moral courage in what he did. Taking another's guilt upon oneself. Assuming responsibility for an unpleasant but necessary act. It is a sort of noble sacrifice.

ANGEL: How can murder EVER be noble or moral?

XANDER: Nothing like a dead guy trying to understand human nature. I think I know what Wesley's trying to say in his own fancy convoluted way. When you love someone, you want to be there for them. To protect them. Especially from themselves. Gunn did the right thing. I wish I could have done the same for Willow.

WILLOW: Xander you don't mean? I mean, you can mean what I think you mean?

XANDER: Someone had to do it. I was too chicken. Look what happened.

FRED: Never knew the pro-murder factions was so strong around here. Angel's the only man in this room who's not part of it. Except, Angel's not exactly a man. So it's unanimous. The men are for murder.

LORNE: I'm anti-murder. Except, well, I'm also not a man. Bloodthirsty humans. You really are savages compared to us enlightened demons.


	11. Angelus, the Marquis de Sade, and some m

[Xander walks over to the weapons case. Looks it over intently]

XANDER: What a piece of junk.

ANGEL: No, those are weapons. But then again you're not very familiar with those things.

XANDER: I'm talking about this cabinet. It's nothing but strips of particle board glued together and stained to look like oak. And this glass is needlessly thin. It's a cheap piece of junk. You so much as jostle this piece of furniture, and it will fall apart.

FRED: It does fall apart. At least once a month. How is it always replaced so quickly?

ANGEL: I buy em a from a place nearby for 40 bucks.

GUNN: Pretty good deal.

XANDER: No it's not! You're getting ripped off. You buy cheap, you have to replace more often, and it costs you an arm and a leg in the long run. I figured someone with your extended life span would appreciate things which were built to last. And I would imagine you have a serious fight in here every now and then. Am I right?

ANGEL: Well, we are demon fighters.

XANDER: Precisely. So you need furniture of exceptional durability. Pieces that can withstand the rigors of your profession. Not crap like this. [slaps the side of the weapons case. the wood cracks, the glass shatters, the whole thing falls to the floor in pieces]

WES: I never suspected it was THAT shoddy.

[Xander grins proudly. he's made his point. Angel just stares in shock at the rubble, as does Cordy, who can't believe Xander was right about something.]

XANDER: You get what you pay for. You need something solid. Perhaps oak with walnut trim. For the sides, you want 2x12's. What they sell as two inches is really an inch-and-a-half, so it's not quite as bulky as you would imagine. For the glass, a quarter-inch thick sheet. Reinforced, of course. Stuff's not as expensive as you would imagine. Hammer that together and you got something you can hurl a demon into without turning it into splinters. With all that oak it'll be heavy. But with your super-strength it should be a cinch to move around.

CORDY: Since when did you become Mr. Home Improvement?

WILLOW: It's his job. He's a construction worker.

XANDER: Carpenter, technically. Got my union card and everything.

CONNOR: So that's what you do. I knew you couldn't fight. Now I know what your use is. You build things for those who do fight, do the stuff they don't have time for.

WILLOW: That's an oddly feudal yet remarkably accurate way of putting it.

XANDER: I like this edifice. Stone and concrete walls that a demon just can't knock over at will. A high-ceilinged central atrium well-removed from the doors and windows, so that if you're attacked you have time to prepare. Sturdy, load-bearing masonry. Built to last. The sort of place you don't have to completely rebuild every week. And talk about spacious! You put 10, 15, 20 people in this place, and it still feels empty. Willow, think about it. If we had only a wing of this place in Sunnydale, all our lodging problems would be solved. You guys have NO idea how good you have it.

FRED: Do you do drywall?

XANDER: Sure do. Why?

FRED: There are a bunch of rooms in this place with fissures and cracks and gaping holes in the walls, not to mention the ceilings. And it's starting to result in water damage. Which, if not checked early, can become extremely costly. I would just like to put things back together before they completely fall apart.

XANDER: I'd definitely fix the ceilings first. As for the walls, this place is huge, and it's just you folks living here. So you might want to create some grand living spaces and halls. I mean, you have no plans to turn it into a working hotel or something, right?

WILLOW: That seems like more of an Anya thing than an Angel thing. I think money-grubbing's an ex-demon trait.

LORNE: Anya? You don't mean? No, you can't mean who I'm thinking of.

WILLOW: Are you thinking of an 1100 year-old former Vengeance Demon?

LORNE: Anyaka! You know THE Anyaka!

XANDER: Did she do something to you?

LORNE: Of course not! You had to really mistreat the ladies to incur her wrath. She punished only the lowest of the low, from what I hear.

CORDY: Sounds about right. [looks at Xander. he seems nervous]

WILLOW: How do you know Anya?

LORNE: I don't. I've just heard of her. All the demons have. She's a celebrity. Sure, I'd love to meet her. Always wanted to meet a famous demon.

ANGEL: A-HEM!

LORNE: Sorry. We spend so much time together, I forget you're considered one of the hoi-polloi. But to be honest, in the demon world she's far more famous than your are. In that world you're a curiosity. She's a legend.

XANDER: I knew she was well-known. I never imagined she was a legend.

ANGEL: Anya's more famous than me!!?

LORNE: Amongst demons, Angel-food. You know how prejudiced demons are against vampires. There's a glass ceiling for your kind. You'll just never rise above a certain level of notoriety in that scene. You have to accept that.

WILLOW: Bigotry can be so frustrating.

XANDER: I had sex with a real-live celebrity.

LORNE: Really? You like being covered in blood larvae?

FRED: Ewww! That's like Marquis De Sade gross.

ANGEL: The Marquis was not into blood larvae. He did have this thing for tentacled demons, especially while watching vampires feed off milkmaids. It was, uh, something I, um, read about.

CORDY: Nice try. He liked watching you do a bunch of OTHER things to the milk maids before you bit them. And I know my French is rusty, but I'm almost certain that Sade guy referred to you again and again as his "teacher." I still shudder when I remember what you convinced him to do to those ballerinas with the rusty gardening tools. How does Fred know his name. Is he famous or something? 

WILLOW: He's the inspiration for the word sadist. And you taught him. So does that mean Angel really is the King of Pain?

FRED: But Angelus was soulless. So as unimaginably revolting as the things he did were, he can't be held fully responsible. But Xander, he HAS a soul. First the preying mantis. Then the mummy. Now you're into being covered by blood larvae?

XANDER: Can I please set the record straight? There were no blood larvae. No larvae of any kind. No blood coverings either. Anya could be adventurous. And she was always eager to experiment. Often more eager than I was. But with nothing even remotely like what you're talking about.

LORNE: You probably only had her when she was human. The word was that in human form Anyaka had a fatal weakness for sturdy, ernest, dull-witted men.

WILLOW: But Spike slept with Anya when she was a demon, and I don't remember seeing any blood larvae.

FRED: I thought Spike was with Buffy?

GUNN: You watched them?

WILLOW: So did Xander. And Buffy. And even Dawn.

XANDER: Also Warren and Jonathan and Andrew.

LORNE: I know it can be hard to find entertainment in a small town, but that's just beyond the pale. Did they sell tickets?

XANDER: We didn't mean to watch it. We wish we hadn't. I certainly wish I hadn't. It was an accident.

WILLOW: Warren and the other nerds had put cameras in a bunch of places around town I hacked into their signal and intercepted the feeds. It just so happened I intercepted the feed from Anya's store right at the time she and Spike were going at it. Like Xander said, a horrible, disturbing accident.

LORNE: She wasn't in demon form, was she?

WILLOW: No. I think I would have remembered if she was all red and scaly and veiny.

LORNE: Figures. Vamps can't handle a full-on demon. And a Vengeance Demon's skin is actually quite soft to the touch. Rather like velvet. [Angel, Cordy, Fred, Gunn and Wes all look at Lorne in disgusted astonishment.] Well excuse me for having a private life! And certainly none of you are in ANY position to judge me.

WILLOW: You have to admit he's got a point there.

FRED: Why are you snickering? Like you and your friends are any better.

WILLOW: That's debatable. But it's a debate I'm not eager to engage in.

CORDY: After all, it's not like any of us fell in love with a computer.

WILLOW: I wasn't in love. It was more like, like -

WES: Lust?

GUNN: That's even worse.

ANGEL: She didn't lust after a computer. She lusted after Moloch.

WES: The Dark Lord of base desires honored by the sacrifice of newborn babies? Willow, I had no idea you were that type of girl.

WILLOW: Listen to yourselves. This is turning into a witch hunt!

LORNE: Well isn't that interesting. You make wisecracks about everyone else, then when you briefly become the center of attention, you play the wiccan card, try to make it seem like we're persecuting you.

WILLOW: I didn't mean it literally. In all fairness, I never made fun of any of you for things you didn't do six years ago. I only kidded you about things you did in the last few weeks. In some cases, things you did today. This afternoon. In this very building. [looks at Cordy. She realizes Willow's talking about catching Cordy and Angel in the act.] I guess my point is, we do all live in glass houses, but some of us have much bigger stones to throw.


	12. Connor longs for a girl his own age

CONNOR: When I was at Lilah's, waiting for her to get back – you know, after the first time, and before the second time, actually after the second and before the third and fourth times – I grabbed these. Think they're Lakers tickets. I'm a doer, not a watcher. You guys can have them. [tosses them on the table. Wes and Gunn race for them. Gunn beats Wes and snags them.]

GUNN: Since when were you a basketball fan?

WES: You've played with me. You know I got game.

GUNN: Your ball handling's good. But you need to work on your jumper.

WES: This from a man who's thrown up enough bricks to rebuild Hadrian's Wall.

GUNN: Courtside! These are courtside seats! Guess being evil has its perks. Denver - pass. Miami - pass. Cleveland - definitely pass. Sacramento - keepin' that. San Antonio - keepin'. Golden State - naw. New Jersey - keep that. Washington - keep that, cause of Michael. You can have the rest, Wes.

ANGEL: You're telling me you stole from Lilah?

CONNOR: Not steal. Plunder. She's our enemy. You're allowed to plunder from the enemy. That's what Holtz taught me. He sold the belongings of the vampires he killed and used the money to buy slaves their freedom.

WILLOW: What a wonderful thing to do. That was so noble of him. [Angel gives her a very angry look] Oh come on! Just because he was your mortal enemy doesn't mean he was always a bad guy. After all, he became your mortal enemy when YOU were a very bad guy.

XANDER: The more I hear about this Holtz guy, the more I like him.

ANGEL: Wonder why.

XANDER: No, it's more than just the fact that he travelled across the centuries to make you pay for your crimes. Though that is a big plus in my book. I mean, I know almost nothing about demon dimensions, but I'm guessing your son could have come out much worse. That Holtz guy seems to have done a good job in what must have been very tough circumstances.

WES: If it's Holtz worshipping you're after, you should go find Justine. She'll tell you all about her Dear Departed Leader. Who knows? Maybe she'll make you her slave. Wouldn't that be hilarious.

CONNOR: Holtz would have laughed at you. Either that or used you as bait. You'd make good bait. You're helpless, conspicuous, loud.

[The phone rings. Fred answers it.]

FRED: Angel Investigations. Yes, she's here. What did you say your name was? Willow - there's someone named Giles on the phone for you.

WILLOW: [takes phone] Hey Giles. How are Angel and Cordy? They're busy. They have their own Big Bad. Yes, it also has a lame generic name. We should be leaving soon. Is there anything I want you to tell Buffy? No. In fact, there's a lot of things I DON'T want you to tell her. I'll explain when I get back. And guess what? I got some info in the First Evil from the most unlikeliest of sources. See you soon. Bye.

XANDER: How's the G-man?

WILLOW: He seems okay.

XANDER: And the Potentials are doing okay?

WILLOW: I didn't ask. If there was a crisis, I'm sure he would have said something. They're probably training with Buffy, or listening to one of her speeches. Or some combination of the two, since Buffy's taken to speechifying even when she's fighting.

XANDER: I know. It can get corny. But she has to pass on all that Slayer Wisdom to the next generation.

ANGEL: The next generation of Slayers?

XANDER: Or as you would refer to them – potential girlfriends. Funny how you go for the young uns, but your baby boy goes for older women.

CONNOR: Not like I have a choice. Do you know how hard it is to meet girls my own age who could understand who I am or what I do? It's impossible. At least in this town.

[Xander and Willow look at each other]

WILLOW: I'm not saying anything.

XANDER: You think I'm touching that one?

FRED: Oh, right. Connor gettin' his paws on the newbies. Talk about a kid in a candy store. All those young, innocent, nubile girls. Separated from contact with other boys their age. Frightened. In need of protection. Curious to learn how to fight vampires.

WILLOW: Thanks a lot Fred for thinking out loud.

FRED: Come on Willow. Aren't you being just a little hypocritical? And don't worry. I'm sure Kennedy wouldn't be interested in him.

XANDER: Why would Willow care about Kennedy? Unless – Kennedy's you're girlfriend!!?

WILLOW: No. Of course not.

XANDER: Now I know why she sleeps in your room.

WILLOW: That was entirely her idea. "Don't hog the covers." What was I going to say?

CONNOR: I know. That's why I used it. [Connor smiles. Cordy looks embarrassed.]

WILLOW: It's not like we sleep in the same bed. She sleeps in my bed. I sleep on the floor. She keeps asking if I wouldn't be more comfortable in the bed with her. I'm taking things slowly.

WES: Since this Kennedy girl is a Potential Slayer, she must quite young.

WILLOW: Kennedy's the oldest of the group. She's 18.

CONNOR: So she's my age. And you're Cordy's age. Interesting. But she's a she. And so are you. How does that work? What goes where?

WES: How many of the Potentials did Giles manage to salvage?

WILLOW: Salvage? That's a crass word.

WES: Salvage, save. Whichever.

WILLOW: Five at the moment.

CONNOR: Where do they live?

XANDER: With Buffy. Where else?

CONNOR: So she has a place like this. [Cordy and Angel scoff at the absurdity.]

WILLOW: No. They don't have abandoned buildings this nice in Sunnydale. Our house – Buffy's house – could probably fit in this lobby.

CONNOR: Must be crowded with all those people. And this place has dozens of empty rooms. You said these girls need protection. Here they'd have a whole team of demon fighters looking out for them. And I could help them along with their training.

WILLOW: I'm sure you could. I'm also sure that your definition of "training" includes more than just demon killing. [Cordy gives Connor an angry glance] And that's why Hell will freeze over before you get your hands on those girls.

ANGEL: Actually, some parts of Hell are frozen. Colder than any place on Earth.

WILLOW: Oh right. I forgot. You've been.


	13. Why Angel doesn't respect Dracula or the

WES: So what's Buffy been fighting lately? Besides her friends.

WILLOW: We've had our hands full the last few months with the First Evil.

ANGEL: That thing which makes you hallucinate and tries to convince you to do bad stuff? I remember having to fight that. For two days. What's the holdup?

WILLOW: This time it's come to stay. And it's messing with everybody. We're all being manipulated. Except for you, Xander. For some reason it hasn't bothered with you. Even though you've spent months working right on top of the Hellmouth. And even though you've been known to do a demon's bidding. That is odd. [looks at Xander suspiciously]

CORDY: Maybe he's not important or powerful enough for this evil thingy to bother with.

XANDER: When have I been known to do a demon's bidding? Oh. Right. I forgot about that.

CORDY: Forgot about what?

WILLOW: Dracula's little visit.

GUNN: You saying Dracula's real?

ANGEL: Real pathetic if you ask me.

CORDY: When did he come to Sunnyhell?

WILLOW: About two-and-a-half years ago.

FRED: And he turned Xander into his bitch?

XANDER: Whoa. It was nothing like that.

ANGEL: He just turns the weak-minded against their friends with false promises of immortality.

XANDER: Are you saying Master – I mean Dracula – lied to me!

ANGEL: Dracula is so overrated. He's lived for five centuries in the heart of Gypsy country, and not once have they felt the need to curse him. Obviously he's not very good at being evil and dangerous.

WILLOW: Do I sense some jealousy?

ANGEL: Jealous? Of Vladi? Please! He was jealous of me. Dracula always had a thing for Darla. She told me how in the 17th century he was always coming on to her.

CONNOR: This Dracula vampire knew mother?

ANGEL: No son. Your mother rejected Dracula. She had standards.

XANDER: There's a father-son exchange I never thought I'd hear.

ANGEL: The First Evil only makes you fight your own fears. You guys fought anything tangible lately? Cause it sounds to me like the Hellmouth just isn't quite the menace it used to be.

XANDER: There was the uber-vamp. That was pretty huge.

LORNE: And by uber-vamp, you don't just mean a big undead German guy, right?

XANDER: It had another name.

WILLOW: Turakhan. I think that's what Giles called it.

ANGEL: Turakhan's aren't huge. They aren't even that tough. The Master used to keep one as a pet. Had him on a leash and everything. They're the vampires real vampires make fun of.

XANDER: You must be thinking of something else. Cause this thing could have kicked your ass all over town.

ANGEL: Thin, very pale, with long claws, looks like Nosferatu? Who by the way is not real.

WILLOW: That sounds like our uber-vamp. But this thing was faster and stronger than any vampire Buffy had ever seen.

ANGEL: It probably was. Turakhan's are to vampires what Neanderthals are to modern humans.

WILLOW: That's EXACTLY what Giles said!

ANGEL: And we know what happened to the Neanderthals. They went extinct.

WILLOW: That's true.

ANGEL: The Turakhan is stronger than any individual vampire, stronger than any individual Slayer. But it's stupid. And it can't deal with multiple attackers. Four ordinary humans, working together, could kill one. Two humans who are good fighters, Wes and Gunn for instance, could take a Turakhan down without much trouble. One-on-one they'd be tough even for a Slayer to kill. But who would be stupid enough to go about it that way?

CORDY: Let me guess. Buffy?

XANDER: It's not like she had a choice.

WILLOW: That's true. We were all scared and running and hiding.

GUNN: That's weak.

CONNOR: You call yourselves demon fighters?

WILLOW: And you guys didn't run away from the Beast?

ANGEL: A Turakhan is nothing compared to the Beast. Did Buffy know she was supposed to stake it in the stomach, because a Turakhan's heart is lower down in the chest. Or did she stake it in the upper chest, notice the thing didn't die, and decide it was stake-proof?

WILLOW: How do you know all this stuff? Giles found hardly any written record of the creature.

ANGEL: That's because they were killed off by stone age humans. By the time writing was developed, they were long gone. I only know this stuff cause I saw one and knew certain very old demons. So you guys really blew that one. Talk about turning a mountain into a molehill. How badly did it pound Buffy?

XANDER: Not too badly.

WILLOW: It took a few minutes, but she got the upper hand.

LORNE: You don't have to be an empath to know those two are lying.

FRED: You told me she looked like a walking bruise for two days. That you guys had never felt so demoralized and helpless.

WILLOW: First off, I only told you those things because you told be how badly the Beast had pounded all of you.

ANGEL: Once again, no comparison! If the Beast is a tank, a Turakhan is a medieval knight. But that is so like Buffy. She always has to do things the painful, most difficult, most agonizing way possible. Maybe that's what she sees in Spike. He's a first-class masochist. She's always wanted someone who'd be happy to share her pain.

WES: Angelus sadist. Spike masochist. Like yin and yang.

WILLOW: Buffy's not like that at all!

ANGEL: Have you dated her?

FRED: That was a rhetorical question, I hope.

ANGEL: Buffy doesn't want to be happy because she knows sooner or later some disaster beyond her control is going to make her miserable again. She doesn't need a guy who can make her happy. She needs a guy to share the burden, to carry some of her pain. Otherwise, it crushes her.

FRED: Buffy can't be happy, but neither can you. Is that why you loved her so much?

ANGEL: We're different. Buffy doesn't want to be happy. Just because I can't be happy doesn't mean I don't want to be happy, doesn't mean I don't dream of the day when I can find contentment.

LORNE: She sees the glass half-empty. You see the glass half-full. Except someone always comes along to break your glass and shove the jagged end through you chest.

CORDY: Holtz takes your son.

FRED: Your son imprisons you in the ocean.

WILLOW: Your son sleeps with Cordelia.

LORNE: Anyone notice the common thread?

One chapter left to go. In the last chapter, Xander and Willow find their path out of LA blocked by the Beast.


	14. Escape From LA ?

WILLOW: It's getting late. I think we should be heading back.

GUNN: Things get pretty dangerous around here after dark. Better get back to your safe little suburb while the coast is clear.

XANDER: Safe little suburb? He heh heh. It's called a Hellmouth for a reason.

FRED: You mean because it contains lots of portals to hell dimensions? No, I'm sorry, that's Los Angeles.

LORNE: You folks have demons who make you sing. We have demons who make it rain fire. Which would you choose? Sorry, but we're all a little cranky from fighting an apocalypse with a body count that would depopulate your quaint seaside community. I don't mean to be so rude, but I think the slug that recently burrowed through my cerebral cortex damaged the part of my brain that controls tact.

WILLOW: [to Xander] Anya must have been born without that part. It was really nice hanging out with you, Fred. You should visit some time. Try the summer. Summers are always strangely uneventful.

LORNE: Vampires must like to summer on the East coast.

WILLOW: Angel, Cordy, Wesley, it was, um, interesting catching up with you guys. I'll tell Buffy you said hi. And probably not much more than that.

FRED: Try not to kill each other.

WILLOW: Right back at you.

FRED: Willow, are there any good men in your town? Cause that Spike guy just sounds like a disaster waitin' ta happen. And Xander, you seem like a nice guy, but obviously you have sick, twisted problems, maybe a disorder of some sort.

LORNE: He only wants what he can't have. That's his problem. That's why all his relationships end like the Hindenburg. Sorry, but when you telepathed I read some stuff.

WILLOW: Did you read my mind?

LORNE: Yes, but your personality is too complex to be boiled down to a cliche. Xander, on the other hand, is a simple sort of man. Which is good, cause simple people are the least likely to cause trouble.

FRED: What about that guy you said you dated in high school?

WILLOW: Oz? He was a good guy. Until he cheated on me with another werewolf and left me.

GUNN: You dated a werewolf? Aren't there any regular, non-mutant, non-demon people in your town?

XANDER: Yes. But they choose not to hang around us.

CORDY: That's what happens when you're a total loser in Sunnydale.

CONNOR: But you were friends with them. Does that mean you were a loser? I thought you were really popular.

CORDY: I was. I chose to spend time with them purely for reasons of self-preservation. The other popular kids were getting picked off left and right. I chose to become a social pariah rather than a vampire. And as the years go by, I regret that choice less and less frequently.

FRED: So it's settled. I can't find any good men.

GUNN: Okay, I've had enough of this. I'm sick of hearing you say how you had no idea I was capable of murder. Bull! You didn't think I would stain my soul by doin' somethin' hideous like that? I'm the guy who sold his soul for a truck.

XANDER: You did what!? Why would anyone sell their soul for a truck?

GUNN: I needed wheels to kill more vamps, protect my hood. Figured losing my soul was worth saving a few dozen lives. We had to fend for ourselves. Weren't no superheroes to hide behind where I come from.

XANDER: That's admirable. In a perverse way. Though I would have held out for a better bargain. You sell your soul, you should at least get some superpowers.

WILLOW: And I trust like all literal Faustian bargains there was a remarkably easy way to wriggle out of this one?

ANGEL: We killed the demon he owed his soul to.

WILLOW: Demons can be so stupid. Sometimes I wonder why they even bother. Glad you kept your soul. I would hate to see ANY of you lose you soul. [glares at Angel] Especially if you lost it doing something you knew you were not supposed to do. Because if I have to do an encore performance, I'm going to be very mad. And you DON'T want to see that. [Willow, Xander exit the Hyperion, get into Xander's car.]

CORDY: Thanks for the warning, Wicked Witch of the West Coast. Is it just me, or has Willow become WAY too full of herself?

XANDER: I learned something today. Our lives aren't THAT screwed up. I mean, if you put things in context.

WILLOW: I know now that there is a HUGE difference between trying to do horrible, irrevocable things to the people you love and actually following through with them. There's so much less to apologize for.

XANDER: Cordy doing Angel's son. That's just like, that would be like -

WILLOW: You sleeping with Dawn?

XANDER: Oh God. That's just sicker than sick.

WILLOW: Like I said – mommy like.

XANDER: Wait - that's a reference to - Are you implying something about me, little miss "Right there with you?"

WILLOW: My point was that we respect the barrier between thought and expression.

XANDER: Anya doesn't.

WILLOW: Expression meaning actions, not expression meaning words. Except when she was a Vengeance Demon. But even then she got to take back the really bad stuff.

XANDER: [traffic stops] What's the holdup? Was there was an accident? You see any wrecks?

WILLOW: Uh-huh. But I wouldn't call them accidents.

XANDER: What the hell is that!!?

[Xander turns the car around, speeds back to the Hyperion, slams on the breaks, and runs inside with Willow.]

XANDER: There's a big red demon blocking the on-ramp to the 101 about a mile from here!

GUNN: Sounds like our Beast.

ANGEL: He's finally come to my neighborhood.

WILLOW: So that's your Big Bad. He's both Big - and Bad. I'll give ya that.

[Xander pulls out his cell phone. Dials Buffy's house.]

XANDER: Hi. Is this Rona? Please put Giles on. Right now.

GILES: Hello.

XANDER: Giles we have a problem.

GILES: We're in the middle of something. Can't this wait until you get home?

XANDER: That's the problem. We can't.

GILES: Does this involve a botched spell or an errant wish?

XANDER: It involves a demon blocking the way out of town. They call it the Beast.

GILES: Yes, I believe Willow mentioned that name. I researched it and found nothing, probably on account of the non-specific nomenclature. Is it formidable?

XANDER: It was juggling three cars in the air.

GILES: My word. Can you describe this creature?

XANDER: You ever see that movie Legend?

GILES: Yes, unfortunately. It's like the red guy?

XANDER: It's larger, but with much smaller horns and tougher skin. And it's a whole lot less cheesy-looking.

GILES: You sound quite shaken.

XANDER: This thing makes Glory seem about as dangerous as Harmony.

GILES: It can't possibly be that bad. Just keep your wits and find another way out of town. Can you put Willow on for a moment? [he expects Willow to be more composed and less hyperbolic.] Willow, I hear you've run into a slight snag?

WILLOW: Giles, this isn't the time to be understated and British.

GILES: You're sounding as shellshocked as Xander.

WILLOW: We got trouble. With a capital T.

LORNE: With a capital T that rhymes with B and that stands for Beast. Yep, we got trouble here in River City.

CONNOR: It's coming towards us. I can hear it.

CORDY: We all can. Even those of us without super-hearing.

GILES: Willow, I don't know what to tell you, except what I already told Xander. Relax, and find another way home, I'll consult my books. Xander gave me a reasonably-detailed description, which provides a starting point. I just can't figure out why Los Angeles, why now?It sounds so primal, almost devilish in appearance. It can't be mere coincidence.

WILLOW: You think it's connected to the First?

GILES: That would seem to be the logical conclusion. It's almost like it sought you two out. Of course! I should have thought of this earlier.

WILLOW: Thought of what?

GiLES: It's a diversion. If you're trapped in Los Angeles, in grave peril, then Buffy would naturally come and rescue you – saving your lives, but leaving the Hellmouth undefended. But you're strong and smart and I'm sure you will find a way to rescue Xander without Buffy's help. I have faith in you, Willow. Just make sure Xander doesn't do anything foolish. [Willow hangs up]

CONNOR: I'm going out there.

CORDY: Connor you can't fight this thing on your own. Again. For the third time.

CONNOR: I have to. It's my fault he's here.

XANDER: I thought you said this wasn't a Dawn thing?

WILLOW: It's not. Granted, there are certain Dawnian elements, but the differences far outweigh the similarities.

XANDER: You're right. They're annoying and bothersome in entirely different ways. Hold on. Does this mean if you kill Connor that also kills the Beast?

LORNE: You shouldn't tempt a fella like that.

CONNOR: I'm not going to fight it. I'm going to lead it away from here. It follows me.

ANGEL: Lead it where?

CONNOR: There's that lake of sticky black stuff to the East of here.

GUNN: The La Brea Tar Pits?

CONNOR: I thought that might slow it down for a little while.

WES: I'll say this: it's better than any idea we have.

CORDY: We don't have any ideas.

WES: Precisely.

CONNOR: Mostly it'll get it away from all these people.

ANGEL: That's a noble intention. But you sure you're up to this?

CONNOR: I've been luring demons into traps since before I was strong enough to kill them myself. It was my favorite game as a kid. You be Holtz. Keep the Beast distracted so he doesn't see the trap ahead of time. [Angel's very hurt by the "you be Holtz" line.]

[There's a very loud thud at the door.]

XANDER: What was that!?

WES: Locusts.

FRED: Is it Thursday already?

WILLOW: You have a locust plague every Thursday?

GUNN: And every other Monday. Welcome to the Big City. [he grabs his flame-thrower] Got the bug repellant. I'll cover you when you're ready to make a run for it.

XANDER: After you. [he's still a little rattled by everything]

[Gunn goes into the courtyard, with Xander and Willow close behind. A few shots of flame clear out the locusts. They go to the sidewalk, where Gunn burns clear the path to Xander's car]

XANDER: Neat weapon. Have you tried using it against the Beast?

GUNN: He likes it. Says it makes him feel all warm and toasty inside.

WILLOW: Well then. I guess this is goodbye. Nice meeting you.

XANDER: Thanks for the flaming escort. [they both quickly get in. Xander starts the engine. The locust cloud around their vehicle slowing dissipates.]

WES: The horde appears to be scattering.

GUNN: Bugs are the least of our worries.

ANGEL: Gunn's right. The locusts are a screen the Beast is using to cover his advance. When they're gone, he'll be at our door. We gotta move fast.

CONNOR: Ready when you are.

ANGEL: Where's your weapon?

CONNOR: They'll just slow me down. Not like they do any good against this demon. [Connor races out. Angel closely follows. Gunn, Fred, Wes and Cordy follow at a distance.]

XANDER: Here come the Angels.

WILLOW: Look at all of them backing him up. It's so adorable. They're trying to be Scoobies. Following in our footsteps. Except they're older. But less experienced.

[Connor runs half-a-block down the street and then climbs up the facade of a six-story building. He stands on the ledge. The Beast looks up at him.]

BEAST: Connor.

CONNOR: Who did you think it was?

XANDER: Holy Spiderman! Did you see that?

WILLOW: How did he do that? I know he has vampire strength, but I've never seen a vamp do that.

XANDER: As if that kid wasn't scary enough already.

[Connor runs east, leaping from rooftop to rooftop while the Beast follows on the ground. He knows Connor can't leap the wide avenue at the end of the block. So does Connor. He falls to the sidewalk. The Beast closes in to pound him. But Angel comes from behind and smacks the demon in the side of its left knee with a sledgehammer. The leg buckles, the Beast is momentarily off-balance, and Angel capitalizes by clocking him in the chin. Connor makes his escape.]

BEAST: Angelus. We've done this before. Why fight when you know you can't win?

ANGEL: I don't know. Why don't you tell me?

BEAST: You're a slow learner. [Grabs Angel and hurls him through a storefront window. While he's down, Angel tosses the hammer. It flips end-over-end and nails the Beast right between the eyes. Angel pulls out his broadsword and makes a dash for it, heading east along with Connor. The Beast pursues, not passing up a chance to thrash them both at once.]

[Xander floors it, the tires spin, and the car zooms towards the freeway. Once they're southbound on the highway, they breathe a big sigh of relief.]

XANDER: I never thought I'd miss Sunnydale.

WILLOW: I know what you mean. Dorothy was right. There really is no place like home.


End file.
